Mega Family Champions

I am in the Corporate / furnished housing business and recently attended our annual conference for the largest organization that represents us in our industry. This year I served on the membership and the conference committee and found it to be a lot of work. I had conference calls and responsibilities for both committees and a "job" to do when I got to Vegas. This was my fourth annual meeting and up to this point I found it informative and a "nice break" from work but that was about it. This year, through my involvement, I learned the inner workings of the organization and how things are done. I learned the core principles of the organization and found the conferences value quadrupled for me. The price of the conference was SO worth it when I realized that I knew what was going on and even had a hand in it.

I know this "idea" was stolen from someone so I'm not taking the credit but....
The value of something should not be determined by what you get out of it until you think about what you are putting in to it.

I learned this lesson this year. I know now that if I really want to get something out of an organization or event that I need to put something back into it. Thats why I volunteered to serve on the board of Mega Family and recently added myself to the list of Mega Family Champions. My 2 cents in time and money may not mean much by itself, but combine that with everyone else and we both gain from it. I've never believed that as much in my life as I do now. I hope that the readers of this blog will feel the same. Get out there and contribute whether it be your money or your time. JUST DO IT :).

Give your children some credit....they are smart!

A few years back at the end of my first relationship after my marriage ended, my daughter and I sat down to watch TV one night. Before starting the show we were going to watch I turned to her and asked her if she knew something about me that we had never discussed. I'm from a small town, people talk and I had just finished a 3 year relationship with someone who had a son who was 5-8 years old while we were together and he didn't want to come out during that time. My daughter just looked at me. I said..you DO know that I'm gay don't you? She said..DUH Daddy...you lived with a partner for 3 years! I said to her "but we slept in separate rooms when you were there". Her comment was simply "And you thought you were fooling somebody?" lol. At the time she was 12. I was just sitting there stunned. I figured being from a small town she would have heard people talk, but I really thought I had kept something quiet from her all that time. Kids really are perceptive. They see right through us when we have problems or are in trouble. They usually know that we are down or hiding something. I'm not saying that we need to share with them all of our struggles or drama. I do think that we need to be honest with them when they ask questions and at least give them the minimum information we can at that moment so they see that we are sharing with them. How else can we expect them to be honest with us and share with us when they need to. My daughter turns 16 this July and I'm proud to say that she has asked to march in the Pride parade with me this year. Yes, sometimes kids are a lot smarter than we think. Sometimes they can teach us a lesson.

From a Smart Fifth-Grader....

The other day, on the ride home from work/school, my ten-year old daughter randomly asked, "Mama, what do you think God thinks about the world today?" Wondering what she was about to say, I responded, "Hmm, I don't know. What ideas do you have?"

Morghan said, "Well, people litter and leave their trash everywhere. People kill each other, there's wars, etc."

"Wow, those are some problems right now," I acknowledged.

"And just think what he must have been thinking back when we had slavery! He must have really been disappointed," she wondered.

I validated her sentiments once again. As we drove on, I had a few ideas and I felt quite good about the thoughts running through my mind.

First of all, I was proud that homosexuality was NOT on her list of problems God would be upset about. Most of all, though, I was proud that the things she does feel are a problem are obvious injustices, which cause harm to others (i.e., pollution, violence, exploitation, etc.). As parents, I know we want to protect our kids from the ills of the world, but since they nevertheless exist, I'm glad my daughter recognizes them and knows these are the real problems (well, in my opinion, at least).

Introduction!

This is my first posting here so I thought that I would introduce myself and why I'm here. I'm a new board member with Mega Family in Atlanta. I'm the Facilitator for the Gay Fathers of Atlanta. I guess I'm the "odd one out" in this arena as a divorced gay father of two wonderful young adults. What we have in common is that we want our lives and the lives of our children to get better every day. I'm very much an advocate for GLBT individuals and families rights. If you had asked me 6 years ago I would have said you'd lost your mind. Five years and a few months ago all that changed. I came out with a "bang" in a very small town, divorced, and left a place I had lived for 37 years and was very much a part of that town and everything that town represented. I thought my life would never be the same again and in many ways I was right. I was one of the lucky ones! I have 99% of the friends I did then and hopefully 100% if not more of the respect of those that I had when I was married. I talked openly about where I was, where I had been and where I hoped I was going (though at that time I had no idea where I WAS going). I kept my main focus on my children and myself trying to make sure we all made it through this process with as few scars as possilble. I never forgot that I was divorcing someone who for 17 years had trusted me to be a loving and faithful husband. Two years later when our facilitator had some family issues to deal with I took over as the Facilitator for the Gay Fathers of Atlanta. Looking back I realize how important it was for me when I first came out to see that men who were in various stages of their divorce, coming out, moving on experience, were dealing with everything and how they kept going in spite of what can be some really huge obstacles. What I know today is that without them I would be a different person. Without those role models (mostly good..lol) I would not have been able to become who I have and am becoming. I know that I owe a debt of gratitude to those who went through this before me and were willing to share their stories of ups and downs so that I could possibly know what to expect and to see examples of how to handle certain situations. Today, my goal is simple. I want to be an example of a good, respectful, gay citizen and father. Please, we all have things about us we don't want to share with the world, but sometimes its those very things that help someone else through their own issues. I look forward to sharing my feelings and thoughts on gay fatherhood and other issues as I navigate my way through the coming days. I also welcome any questions or thoughts from readers that might have experienced or be experiencing similar situations. My son is 20 and my daughter is 15 and are the main reasons I exist. My daughter says my role in life is to keep her happy...lol. At least I have a purpose. Until next time....

Why so much hate as a result of love?

You hear talks about hate crimes, and you hear stories of where a homosexual is attacked by a complete stranger, simply for being gay. On a less severe, yet more common level, you hear and experience stories of discrimination from others. What hurts most, I'd say, is when the hate comes from someone who was supposed to love you no matter what: a parent.

Okay, so my partner is in Korea, and I have this unbelievable opportunity to go visit her. One of my colleagues is married to someone who generously hooked me up with a buddy pass...making the flight affordable. My kids have also reached the ages where they can spend a week with someone else. So, I started thinking about ideas for where they could go. After all, I wanted them to have a good time wherever they are. I would feel guilty if I went off to Korea, having the time of my life and then found out the kids were not having a good time on their spring break. So...I knew their father was not an option. He has never opted to have them for more than his alternating weekends. And besides, he works that week. Then, I thought about all the times the kids have asked to spend more time with my mother. When I told them I had the chance to go see Kristin in Korea, they were incredibly supportive and asked me to see if Grandma would have them over.

First, let me explain that my mother and I aren't close at all. Our relationship has been strained since my teen years, when she started a new life that really had no room for me. Don't get me wrong, I tried. But, she doesn't like that I'm gay. Prior to that, she didn't like that I was divorced. Prior to that, she didn't like the man I had been married to. Prior to that, she didn't like that I was not a practicing Catholic, the way she thought I ought to worship. Prior to that, she didn't like my job as a client relations representative at a sperm bank, because she said it was against God's will. And prior to that...I was just a bad teenager who disappointed her. Prior to that, she claimed she was subjected to vicious gossip, because she was 15 and pregnant with me, and that I should be grateful that she gave me life, rather than aborted me. I feel very fortunate that my Nana (her mother, who is still alive, yet "gone" as a result of dementia) actually raised me and loves me no matter what.

Anyway, that was the "nutshell version." But, in the past few years, I thought about extending myself somewhat to my mother. People always tell me it's better to try and have a relationship, rather than carry animosity. I've long gotten over the fact that we'd never be the mother-daughter pair you see hanging out, telling each other intimate stories, etc. But, I had hoped we could just "agree to disagree" about issues...that she could be happy that I found happiness, and I could accept that she has her beliefs and that it's okay we don't see eye-to-eye. I had also hoped we'd have some sort of interaction outside of bumping into each other at the family Christmas dinner. Most of all, I'd hoped she could have a relationship with the kids...they hear all their friends speak fondly of times with their grandparents...and they wish they could have the same thing.

So...I thought this might be a chance. The kids requested that I ask her before anyone else about them spending their spring break with her. They wanted to go, because on the rare occasions we are in her home (usually an extended family gathering), they have such a great time with their aunts and uncles, who aren't much older than them. Plus, she works from home, home-schooling her kids, and helping manage my step-father's business. I was nervous about asking, but I figured the worst she could say is "no." I definitely trust her to look out for the kids, and I knew they'd be happy. Boy, "the worst" was a lot worse than I expected.

My mother not only said "no," which is okay, because it's her prerogative to have visitors or not, but she fired back with a negative preaching. She treated me as if I didn't understand the difference between love and platonic friendship. Among other things, she explained how she was closer to some of her female friends than she was her husband, but that her friends could never serve the role of her spouse. She also told me God didn't intend it this way, and reminded me that I "chose" to enter into an unhappy marriage years ago. She wouldn't refer to my partner by name, only stating "I hope you friend makes it home safely."

In the email exchange, I tried to be very tactful, but I did respond by stating I accepted her position on the matter. However, I asked her to consider that I'm nearly 33 years old, that I'm very self-aware and have no confusion between platonic close friendships and romance, and that even though she didn't approve, my relationship with Kristin is very real. I also mentioned "feeling gay" before attempting marriage, but that I didn't always have the confidence to come out with it. My mother then responded to it with two more emails, stating she will only accept that I chose to be a lesbian. She also took the opportunity to vaguely refer to the past, stating I made choices that strained our relationship. In addition, she referred to my failed marriage as a reason to support her belief that my current partnership could not be taken seriously (though I was 20 years old and way too young when I got married).

So...to that, I told her how I felt, and that I could have done without the assault-by-email, and reminded her I was only trying to reach out (because I have trustworthy friends who are having the friends over that week), and left the door open. I stated I was okay with our differences, but that I couldn't be disrespected. I said if she ever decided she could have a relationship with ME, to let me know. To that, I got no response, and I'm at peace with the fact that we may never have much of a relationship.

I think about my mother, and I think about the random people (i.e., picketers at Pride who waste perfectly good weekends expressing messages of hate), and then I think about extreme hate crimes. Of all the issues people debate, why is there so much drama about gays? This is one issue where, people could honestly agree to disagree and not be impacted. Who do we hurt by being gay? Which non-gays are inconvenienced by gays? Again, this is not to say others should feel obligated to change whatever beliefs or opinions about homosexuality...but how are others honestly hurt by us, and why is there such a strong of a need to either suppress us, harm us, or merely dissociate themselves from us?

Personally, I've been very fortunate. I haven't lost straight friends after coming out of the closet. Most everybody I've worked with or otherwise associated with professionally seems to accept me. At this point, nobody has harmed me because of it. Really and truly, the person most hateful toward me has been my very own mother...who really just needed a reason to be against me. But, these stories others tell me of being the victim of hate...I'll never understand the purpose of it.

Loving ever ounce of their bodies and souls

Ever have a day when you realize the love you have in your heart for your child is bigger than every ounce of their body? It is scary to love a little being so much, but it is the best thing ever at the same time.

Life is a Circus!

My partner, Vincent, and I thought it would be a grand idea to take our 3 1/2 year old to the circus for his first life experience to see clown shenanigans, high wire acts and such. As it was, there were three circus troupes in town at the same time we wanted to go: Big Apple Circus, the Universoul Circus, and the granddaddy of all circuses, Ringling Brothers.

I wasn't quite ready to navigate a 3 year old through the throngs of people sure to attend Ringling Brothers at Philips Arena. And I didn't know much about the Universoul Circus at Turner Stadium. However, I had previously attended the Big Apple Circus and we agreed that because it offered a smaller, more intimate setting at Stone Mountain, we would make this circus Connor's first circus experience.

For days before the event, we built excitement and talked about what we might see under the big top. Connor's eyes would light up every time we talked about clowns, or horses, or acrobats performing aerial feats unlike anything he had ever seen. He was genuinely excited and eagerly anticipated our upcoming family outing.

At last, circus night arrived. Because it was a Friday, the plan was for Vincent to come home from work a little earlier than normal so we wouldn't have to rush making our way to Stone Mountain. I let Connor take a longer-than-normal nap knowing that he would be up late that evening. If there is one thing I have learned as a parent, it's that some kids need more sleep than others. If Connor is tired, he is cranky. And if he is cranky, you can expect a meltdown of monumental proportions wherever you might be: the grocery store, the mall, at a playgroup...anywhere there is a large audience to observe his performance.

I suppose I've become somewhat immune to his meltdowns. Maybe not immune, but I've learned to pretend I don't care how he is acting. For example, the first time I witnessed his foot-stomping, throw-yourself-down-on-the-ground-screaming-for-attention act, I picked him up and hurriedly ran out of the store, leaving a half-full basket of melting ice cream and other assorted items for someone else to deal with. Of course, I knew my parental skills were on trial at that moment and that I was going to be voted as the grocery store's worst parent/customer of the month for his display of uncontrolled fits. As time has passed, however, I have learned that his tantrums are not out of the ordinary for a 3 year old and have seen some of his peers have tantrums that put his to shame. I have also learned that the best thing for me to do is to pretend that I am in a Valium-induced haze and ignore his fits while I make a quick exit from his stage. This, fortunately, seems to do the trick.

The other day, I helped serve lunch at our church following a mid-day Lenten worship service. Connor happens to attend school at the church, so when his day was over, his teacher brought him to me where we were serving. There were also a number of church members and guests who were enjoying lunch. Peacefully, that is, until I told Connor it was time for us to go home. He stomped his feet several times and with all the drama he could muster, threw himself on the floor and proceeded to scream "I don't want to go home." Had there been a bottle of tequila nearby, I would have started downing shots with abandon. However, using all the restraint I could muster, I stood up and headed for the exit. At one point, I glanced over my shoulder to see if Connor was behind me but all I saw were 60 pairs of eyes watching us as we left.

After we got home and he went down for his nap, I polished off the remaining tequila in the liquor cabinet.

We had a wonderful time at the circus. Connor was on his best behavior and he watched the show with spellbound intensity. When it was over, we asked him what he enjoyed the most. "Hmm, I think I liked it all. But my very favorite part was the horses." As we left the big top and made our way to the exit, he noticed that the concession stand was open and had not sold out all of their cotton candy. Blue cotton candy, that is.

"Daddy Larry," he asked, "Can I have some cotton candy."

Uh oh, I thought, I know how this is going to go. "No, you've had plenty to eat tonight and it's much too late to eat anything else."

"But I'm hungry," he whined.

"Well," I said, "there won't be any cotton candy tonight."

And with that he stomped his feet.

And then he wailed, "I want some cotton candy." And the tears streamed down his face.
"Please, please, please..."

We quickly made our way to the car which, fortunately was parked nearby. But his pleas only got louder.

As we made our way out of the parking lot a few minutes later, I realized Connor had gotten quiet.

I looked at my son through the rear view mirror. Connor had fallen fast asleep.

--Larry Donroe-Wells

"Which one is her real mom"

We are all living in a world where children from LGBT families are in the minority. Some of us have it better or worse than others. This past week my daughter had her 3rd birthday celebration at her school. As both her moms walked into the school building, we realized this is the first event we will have been at where we are the only parents in the room (thus, we might be noticed a little more as two moms by the kids). We have always been "out" at our daughter's school, but we know this is a process--especially for the kids.

Sure enough, within 30 seconds of being in the classroom, I hear one of her classmates ask a teacher, "which one is her real mom." The question echoed inside me like I was in some movie. I couldn't hear what the teacher said, but I imagine and hope she said they both are. Whatever she said the conversation ended and the little girl seemed satisfied.

Busted by a child once again. I imagine we will experience MANY years of dealing with the inquisitive minds of babes.

What I did take away from the situation is the lack of work we have been doing around my daughter's family structure. I really just want to believe my daughter is going to a progressive school, so we wouldn't have to do much.

We are active participants at my daughter's school. We talk with the other parents and the kids, so we have been overly optimistic about how it will all shake out. The truth is, I wonder what the other parents have told their kids about our family. I really should find out for the benefit of my daughter, but somehow it is sort of like putting off that dental cleaning.

Can you believe what a bad example I am setting for other parents? Just goes to show it is hard for all of us, even those of us living in fairly progressive areas.

Nice versus Mean Kids

As I have spent numerous hours in various play settings with my almost 3 year old recently, I have wondered whether we can control our kids being "nice." As most of us can either remember growing up, or have experienced with our own kids more recently, kids can be at their meanest during play time.

I am left wondering, can we do anything as parents, or is this predetermined programing?

I ask if it is predetermined because my daughter's extremely social, wannabe everyone's best friend is not from anything we are aware of doing. She seemed this way from about 5 1/2 months on. Just as happy as can be, wanting to play with everyone (I didn't say she always wants to share her toys).

Some days I think we are blessed to have such a social, easy-going child who quickly develops new friends. Other days I cringe as I watch her get devastated time after time by kids who won't play with her for their own reasons ranging from my daughters too young for them, she's not a part of the little play ground clique of the day, or I surmise they simply think she is weird because she is so social.

This is definitely the stuff you don't think about before you become a parent. It's really hard. Figuring our when to intervene, when to let it play out. I know she needs to learn social rules, so I usually let it play out, but the look on her face crushes my heart every time I see it. It's enough to make you want to drop kick a mean child across a play ground.

Thankfully, a lot of parents try to stop antisocial behavior from their kids. Whether it makes any difference in the end is questionable. Maybe kids are just wired to be who they are socially. Maybe how they are at 2,3,4, or 5 will be nothing like who they will become (note: I am thinking of the dreaded high school popularity years).

But, for those of you who are new to the game, be prepared for the parents who could care less if their child is as mean as can be to your child. Interestingly, my anecdotal McDonald's Play Land experience proves that almost exclusively the kids who are allowed to be the meanest have the most affluent looking parents.

What does that say? Don't know. Would love to hear your comments on the subject.

Barack Obama's MLK Speech in Atlanta 1/20/08

I post this not as endorsement of Obama, but more in awe of his uniqueness as a candidate. No matter who you vote for, we must admit most of us have never seen a leader/politician such as Obama. Reading about his concept of unity, I had to wonder about all the moments in gay-activism where we spoke of needing a "gay Martin Luther King" to lead us. Maybe we were wrong. Maybe a straight man can give LGBTQ people just as much justice...

Here are Obama's words from his speech at Ebeneezer Baptist Church in Atlanta today:

The Scripture tells us that when Joshua and the Israelites arrived at the gates of Jericho, they could not enter. The walls of the city were too steep for any one person to climb; too strong to be taken down with brute force. And so they sat for days, unable to pass on through.

But God had a plan for his people. He told them to stand together and march together around the city, and on the seventh day he told them that when they heard the sound of the ram’s horn, they should speak with one voice. And at the chosen hour, when the horn sounded and a chorus of voices cried out together, the mighty walls of Jericho came tumbling down.

There are many lessons to take from this passage, just as there are many lessons to take from this day, just as there are many memories that fill the space of this church. As I was thinking about which ones we need to remember at this hour, my mind went back to the very beginning of the modern Civil Rights Era.

Because before Memphis and the mountaintop; before the bridge in Selma and the march on Washington; before Birmingham and the beatings; the fire hoses and the loss of those four little girls; before there was King the icon and his magnificent dream, there was King the young preacher and a people who found themselves suffering under the yolk of oppression.

And on the eve of the bus boycotts in Montgomery, at a time when many were still doubtful about the possibilities of change, a time when those in the black community mistrusted themselves, and at times mistrusted each other, King inspired with words not of anger, but of an urgency that still speaks to us today:

“Unity is the great need of the hour” is what King said. Unity is how we shall overcome.

What Dr. King understood is that if just one person chose to walk instead of ride the bus, those walls of oppression would not be moved. But maybe if a few more walked, the foundation might start to shake. If a few more women were willing to do what Rosa Parks had done, maybe the cracks would start to show. If teenagers took freedom rides from North to South, maybe a few bricks would come loose. Maybe if white folks marched because they had come to understand that their freedom too was at stake in the impending battle, the wall would begin to sway. And if enough Americans were awakened to the injustice; if they joined together, North and South, rich and poor, Christian and Jew, then perhaps that wall would come tumbling down, and justice would flow like water, and righteousness like a mighty stream.

Unity is the great need of the hour – the great need of this hour. Not because it sounds pleasant or because it makes us feel good, but because it’s the only way we can overcome the essential deficit that exists in this country.

I’m not talking about a budget deficit. I’m not talking about a trade deficit. I’m not talking about a deficit of good ideas or new plans.

I’m talking about a moral deficit. I’m talking about an empathy deficit. I’m talking about an inability to recognize ourselves in one another; to understand that we are our brother’s keeper; we are our sister’s keeper; that, in the words of Dr. King, we are all tied together in a single garment of destiny.

We have an empathy deficit when we’re still sending our children down corridors of shame – schools in the forgotten corners of America where the color of your skin still affects the content of your education.

We have a deficit when CEOs are making more in ten minutes than some workers make in ten months; when families lose their homes so that lenders make a profit; when mothers can’t afford a doctor when their children get sick.

We have a deficit in this country when there is Scooter Libby justice for some and Jena justice for others; when our children see nooses hanging from a schoolyard tree today, in the present, in the twenty-first century.

We have a deficit when homeless veterans sleep on the streets of our cities; when innocents are slaughtered in the deserts of Darfur; when young Americans serve tour after tour of duty in a war that should’ve never been authorized and never been waged.

And we have a deficit when it takes a breach in our levees to reveal a breach in our compassion; when it takes a terrible storm to reveal the hungry that God calls on us to feed; the sick He calls on us to care for; the least of these He commands that we treat as our own.

So we have a deficit to close. We have walls – barriers to justice and equality – that must come down. And to do this, we know that unity is the great need of this hour.

Unfortunately, all too often when we talk about unity in this country, we’ve come to believe that it can be purchased on the cheap. We’ve come to believe that racial reconciliation can come easily – that it’s just a matter of a few ignorant people trapped in the prejudices of the past, and that if the demagogues and those who exploit our racial divisions will simply go away, then all our problems would be solved.

All too often, we seek to ignore the profound institutional barriers that stand in the way of ensuring opportunity for all children, or decent jobs for all people, or health care for those who are sick. We long for unity, but are unwilling to pay the price.

But of course, true unity cannot be so easily won. It starts with a change in attitudes – a broadening of our minds, and a broadening of our hearts.

It’s not easy to stand in somebody else’s shoes. It’s not easy to see past our differences. We’ve all encountered this in our own lives. But what makes it even more difficult is that we have a politics in this country that seeks to drive us apart – that puts up walls between us.

We are told that those who differ from us on a few things are different from us on all things; that our problems are the fault of those who don’t think like us or look like us or come from where we do. The welfare queen is taking our tax money. The immigrant is taking our jobs. The believer condemns the non-believer as immoral, and the non-believer chides the believer as intolerant.

For most of this country’s history, we in the African-American community have been at the receiving end of man’s inhumanity to man. And all of us understand intimately the insidious role that race still sometimes plays – on the job, in the schools, in our health care system, and in our criminal justice system.

And yet, if we are honest with ourselves, we must admit that none of our hands are entirely clean. If we’re honest with ourselves, we’ll acknowledge that our own community has not always been true to King’s vision of a beloved community.

We have scorned our gay brothers and sisters instead of embracing them. The scourge of anti-Semitism has, at times, revealed itself in our community. For too long, some of us have seen immigrants as competitors for jobs instead of companions in the fight for opportunity.

Every day, our politics fuels and exploits this kind of division across all races and regions; across gender and party. It is played out on television. It is sensationalized by the media. And last week, it even crept into the campaign for President, with charges and counter-charges that served to obscure the issues instead of illuminating the critical choices we face as a nation.

So let us say that on this day of all days, each of us carries with us the task of changing our hearts and minds. The division, the stereotypes, the scape-goating, the ease with which we blame our plight on others – all of this distracts us from the common challenges we face – war and poverty; injustice and inequality. We can no longer afford to build ourselves up by tearing someone else down. We can no longer afford to traffic in lies or fear or hate. It is the poison that we must purge from our politics; the wall that we must tear down before the hour grows too late.

Because if Dr. King could love his jailor; if he could call on the faithful who once sat where you do to forgive those who set dogs and fire hoses upon them, then surely we can look past what divides us in our time, and bind up our wounds, and erase the empathy deficit that exists in our hearts.

But if changing our hearts and minds is the first critical step, we cannot stop there. It is not enough to bemoan the plight of poor children in this country and remain unwilling to push our elected officials to provide the resources to fix our schools. It is not enough to decry the disparities of health care and yet allow the insurance companies and the drug companies to block much-needed reforms. It is not enough for us to abhor the costs of a misguided war, and yet allow ourselves to be driven by a politics of fear that sees the threat of attack as way to scare up votes instead of a call to come together around a common effort.

The Scripture tells us that we are judged not just by word, but by deed. And if we are to truly bring about the unity that is so crucial in this time, we must find it within ourselves to act on what we know; to understand that living up to this country’s ideals and its possibilities will require great effort and resources; sacrifice and stamina.

And that is what is at stake in the great political debate we are having today. The changes that are needed are not just a matter of tinkering at the edges, and they will not come if politicians simply tell us what we want to hear. All of us will be called upon to make some sacrifice. None of us will be exempt from responsibility. We will have to fight to fix our schools, but we will also have to challenge ourselves to be better parents. We will have to confront the biases in our criminal justice system, but we will also have to acknowledge the deep-seated violence that still resides in our own communities and marshal the will to break its grip.

That is how we will bring about the change we seek. That is how Dr. King led this country through the wilderness. He did it with words – words that he spoke not just to the children of slaves, but the children of slave owners. Words that inspired not just black but also white; not just the Christian but the Jew; not just the Southerner but also the Northerner.

He led with words, but he also led with deeds. He also led by example. He led by marching and going to jail and suffering threats and being away from his family. He led by taking a stand against a war, knowing full well that it would diminish his popularity. He led by challenging our economic structures, understanding that it would cause discomfort. Dr. King understood that unity cannot be won on the cheap; that we would have to earn it through great effort and determination.

That is the unity – the hard-earned unity – that we need right now. It is that effort, and that determination, that can transform blind optimism into hope – the hope to imagine, and work for, and fight for what seemed impossible before.

The stories that give me such hope don’t happen in the spotlight. They don’t happen on the presidential stage. They happen in the quiet corners of our lives. They happen in the moments we least expect. Let me give you an example of one of those stories.

There is a young, twenty-three year old white woman named Ashley Baia who organizes for our campaign in Florence, South Carolina. She’s been working to organize a mostly African-American community since the beginning of this campaign, and the other day she was at a roundtable discussion where everyone went around telling their story and why they were there.

And Ashley said that when she was nine years old, her mother got cancer. And because she had to miss days of work, she was let go and lost her health care. They had to file for bankruptcy, and that’s when Ashley decided that she had to do something to help her mom.

She knew that food was one of their most expensive costs, and so Ashley convinced her mother that what she really liked and really wanted to eat more than anything else was mustard and relish sandwiches. Because that was the cheapest way to eat.

She did this for a year until her mom got better, and she told everyone at the roundtable that the reason she joined our campaign was so that she could help the millions of other children in the country who want and need to help their parents too.

So Ashley finishes her story and then goes around the room and asks everyone else why they’re supporting the campaign. They all have different stories and reasons. Many bring up a specific issue. And finally they come to this elderly black man who’s been sitting there quietly the entire time. And Ashley asks him why he’s there. And he does not bring up a specific issue. He does not say health care or the economy. He does not say education or the war. He does not say that he was there because of Barack Obama. He simply says to everyone in the room, “I am here because of Ashley.”

By itself, that single moment of recognition between that young white girl and that old black man is not enough. It is not enough to give health care to the sick, or jobs to the jobless, or education to our children.

But it is where we begin. It is why the walls in that room began to crack and shake.

And if they can shake in that room, they can shake in Atlanta.

And if they can shake in Atlanta, they can shake in Georgia.

And if they can shake in Georgia, they can shake all across America. And if enough of our voices join together; we can bring those walls tumbling down. The walls of Jericho can finally come tumbling down. That is our hope – but only if we pray together, and work together, and march together.

Brothers and sisters, we cannot walk alone.

In the struggle for peace and justice, we cannot walk alone.

In the struggle for opportunity and equality, we cannot walk alone

In the struggle to heal this nation and repair this world, we cannot walk alone.

So I ask you to walk with me, and march with me, and join your voice with mine, and together we will sing the song that tears down the walls that divide us, and lift up an America that is truly indivisible, with liberty, and justice, for all. May God bless the memory of the great pastor of this church, and may God bless the United States of America.

Life as the Gay Military Partner

This Christmas, I’m away from my partner, Kristin, a piano player in the Army band. Though we met and formed a friendship nearly two years ago, we discovered a romance between us about a year ago. We refer to each other as “partners,” because sometime after we became “girlfriends,” it was apparent that we share something incredible. Not only is she awesome as a lover, but she is also my very best friend, my buddy for any new adventure we wish to embark upon, and last but not least, my co-parent to my two children that originated in a previous marriage (and failed attempt at “straight”…that’s another story though…I guess I wasn’t always strong enough to be who I really am….anyway…).
The funny thing is we probably had a few opportunities to potentially date each other, but something always stood in the way. The first time I ever met her was through email. She caught my attention with her profile on Planet Out, so I emailed her, only to discover she was the woman my first ex-girlfriend, the only ex-girlfriend I’m not on civil terms with, had gone out with a couple of times (though nothing came out of it). Then one night in Feb 2006, a friend of mine introduced me to her and I, not realizing she was the woman I had emailed before, was struck by her instantly (This doesn’t happen to me, okay?). We really hit it off in conversation. I thought I felt a warm vibe, only to realize she was actually on a date with this friend who introduced us (I promise, it was not obvious though). About 6 months after that, we hung out with the same group of people on a skydiving trip and discovered we had not only the same musical interests, but the same zest for outdoor adventures. We started hanging out often, except this time, I was involved with another woman. That relationship failed, of course, but I still needed some time. By this point, I was adverse to relationships and thought I would probably never partner up with someone. However, the friendship really blossomed, and like I said, I always felt something spark in me whenever she was around. After a while, I just couldn’t deny how I felt and we got ourselves together. Due to my issues in getting too close to others, the relationship wasn’t always easy. Yet, she stuck by me…good days and bad.
So...by the time we got together, she had already re-enlisted on the condition of a yearlong tour in Korea. No, she won’t be making a career out of the Army. It was only a challenge she decided to face while dealing with her mid-20s crisis. Yet after 3 years, when it was time to think about re-enlisting, she faced the possibility of being transferred to a division band and being deployed to the war zone. Yeah, they even send the band to war these days. So, by re-enlisting and agreeing to a year in Korea, she was able to specify that she wanted to return to the same post from which she left (Ft. Gordon, GA, near Augusta). This way, she’ll be only a couple of hours away from me as opposed to a hemisphere away.
She’s been gone since October 9th of this year. What I’ve faced has been tougher than I expected, and yes, being gay didn’t exactly help matters. See…Kristin and I don’t call ourselves “married,” because we are waiting to have our ceremony when we can actually live together. If we were straight, though, it would benefit us to get married. Now, I don’t advocate doing such a thing just for benefits, but in our case, we were ready. Both kids, Chandler (age 8) and Morgan (age 10), adore her. I have let Kristin in way farther than anyone else, and it took a lot of risk on my part as well as a lot of patience on hers. We really did start functioning as a family unit. For the first time in my life (including the time I was married in the past), I knew what it felt to experience true multi-faceted love, to give it to someone, and to have it given back. It’s amazing how much the quality of life changes when you have this. It’s good for us and it’s good for the kids. The physical, mental, and spiritual support is more than I can put words on. So…since we aren’t straight and can’t get married, what happened is that I have gone back to being a single parent. On days I feel weak (and I am human and do have moments of exhaustion and frustration), there’s nobody to help pick up the slack. This makes parenting more difficult, and this makes life, in general, more difficult. Don’t getme wrong, I have some amazing friends. But, I haven’t fully opened myself up to any of them, because I don’t want to be a downer. In fact, I see any given friend on occasion. I don’t seem to have a “regular” group, and it seems there’s no two weekends in a row I’m with the same bunch of people. I know….heterosexual military spouses go through that as well, but there’s more.
How many military spouses, at home with kids, refer to a one-room efficiency (essentially a weekly rate hotel) as their home? This summer, I moved from Augusta to metro Atlanta, to take on a job teaching in an alternative school…it’s a job I love and it’s a move that was good for me and the kids…but with only my income, I just haven’t come up with all the tremendous deposits yet. Although I had an apartment back in Augusta and wouldn’t have needed to deal with moving expenses, we just weren’t thriving in that place. So for now, I’ve had to work two jobs, so I may be able to get ahead and get a permanent address (as well as a few Christmas presents). If we were straight and married, though, housing wouldn’t be a problem. Healthcare is another issue. I always hope we have no emergencies, as the co-payments would do me in. How ironic that I pay so much for health insurance (which would cost the same even with a working spouse on the plan), but truly hope I don’t have to use it, because I cannot afford to use it! We’d have healthcare if we were considered “real” family. Last week, when I was battling the flu and a hacking cough, I could have gone to a military doctor without sweating over co-payments. I haven’t even got to the part about how much Kristin is underpaid. After all, salary is based on family size, among other things. They pay her at the single rate and she would make much more if they could see her as “married with step-children.” Therefore, she and I cannot pool our resources together like we will after she gets out of the military.
I really shouldn’t spend too much time thinking about the worst case scenario…like, if heaven forbid, something terrible happened to me, she wouldn’t be able to come home on emergency leave. Let’s not think about the worst right now. And to think that many heterosexuals wonder why we make such a big deal out of marriage equality.
I guess those who oppose extending marriage benefits to gays believe that we are doing something wrong. They are entitled to such beliefs, but the point is that the law isn’t supposed to be based on personal beliefs. Fortunately in America, even though we can’t have the legal rights (and Kristin is actually out-of-the closet…her commander said he “doesn’t care”), we still get to live the way that feels natural to us. We won’t be hung in public for having a family together, and we freely walk around holding hands and sharing affection considered “normal” to heterosexuals. Most of all, it’s important to realize that our lack of benefits or equal rights won’t break us apart…that true love does prevail nonetheless.

Guest Columnist
Brandi A.

Tripped Up By a 4 Year Old

Today, as my just two year old daughter was happily playing with a 4 year old classmate of hers, the little boy innocently asked "does Maggie have a daddy?" I was stunned by the question. I don't know why I wasn't more prepared to answer. I knew this kind of thing would be coming, but somehow I wanted to believe she was still too you to have to deal with the issue.

This little boy is a smart, persistent little guy, probably a future prosecutor. After looking to his dad who was on the phone and hadn't noticed the question, I finally mustered up "no, Maggie doesn't have a daddy, she has two mommies." The standard, gay textbook answer, right? Nope, not enough for the little guy.

"Why doesn't Maggie have a daddy, he said." He never questioned that she had two mommies, as he only has one. Not knowing what his parents would want me to share with him, my head was all jumbled up. Tripped up by a four year old...

Thoughts of Maggie's adoption, poverty, the complexities of gay baby making, and all sorts of other random stuff ran through my head.

I didn't know what to say next, so I just repeated myself "Maggie has two mommies. She doesn't have a daddy." The bright four year old looked a little perplexed, but let up on the prosecution as my daughter distracted him with a game she was playing.

I am sure the topic is just beginning as my daughter and family are growing closer to her classmates from mostly straight households.

Will I really need to talk to all these parents about how they want me to handle it, or do I just say what I think should be said? Probably the former, as I would want parents to talk to me first about what I would want said about other topics.

Oh, the work and joy of parenting...

Passing ENDA Without Transgender Americans

The Employment Non Discrimination Act (ENDA) is up for vote again at the national level. Once again, the issue has come up to exclude transgender people from the employment protections ENDA would offer.

This battle has been waged for many years with people reasoning that ENDA is more likely to pass if we exclude transgender people from the legislation. In today's climate, most gay-right's organizations and activists around the country have said they oppose passing ENDA without including transgender people. In fact, people feel so strongly about it they have said it is better not to pass any legislation than to leave out our transgender brothers and sisters.

It's complicated and it's simple.

Yes, I sure would like a law passed that would protect gay and lesbian Americans from being fired simply because of their sexual orientation. Many people aren't even aware that it is legal to fire someone for being gay or lesbian (or even perceived as gay or lesbian). There are no protections. Nothing. ENDA would make it illegal for employers to fire someone for being gay or lesbian.

Gay Congressman Barney Frank thinks we should pass this legislation without including transgender people because it is more likely to pass. He says we will come back later to legislatively protect the transgender people in our community.

Though I am no fancy lobbyist or politico, I know enough to know this:

1. we identify ourselves as the LGBT community, and it just doesn't feel right to suddenly abandon a part of our community because it is convenient for the rest of us. We all know that society can generally tolerate the idea of two women being together better than 2 men. Imagine if we started trying to pass legislation that excluded men because we knew it had a better chance of passing (adoption legislation comes to mind). We would never do that, so why are transgender people any different?

2. If we pass ENDA without transgender people now, will we really come back to help pass one later that includes them OR will we move onto issues that affect a bigger majority of the community? Also, what are the chances of an ENDA passing that only addresses transgender people? Slim-to-none.

3. In my personal experience, the people in our community who need employment protections the most are transgender people. Most LGB people have no idea the employment discrimination transgender people face. It is one of the most heart-wrenching realities in our community.

For those in our community who would prefer to see transgender people as not really part of the community, you are wrong. Their discrimination is our discrimination. It is all the same.

Therefore, I must agree with the majority of our courageous leaders from around the country that it is not worth passing ENDA if we are to leave out a very vulnerable and important part of our community. I can only support legislation that includes sexual orientation and gender identity.

I hope you feel the same way.

Kathy Kelly
Executive Director
MEGA Family Project

First Week of School

As so many parents before me know, that first week of school is really stressful (for both parents and kids). This should be titled "Be careful what you ask for," as many of you know how much stress went into our family's choice of getting our daughter into our particular school.

Here's the summary:

It has been really hard to drop off my daughter each morning. She looks at me with this mad look while asking me to come along, and then walks off with another child or a teacher in a pouty walk. It is hard to let your child go into the world without you--especially when she isn't pleased with the decision either. Though I can't complain. I have witnessed my share of kids being dragged screaming into their classrooms. At least I only get the look (so far).

Our daughter didn't have a single potty accident this week, so it looks like we might not get kicked out for not meeting the potty training contract! When I drove up each day, first I looked to make sure my daughter was still alive, then I always looked to see if she was wearing the same clothes I dropped her off in (she was). This was way more stressful than it needed to be. Can I tell you how relieved I was the first day when I noticed a 5 year old little girl had peed her pants on the play ground!!! I know that may seem awful, but it was a RELIEF to see this.

As expected, we were surrounded by straight parents, with at least one other same-sex couple in our daughter's class. This hasn't been nearly as stressful as I had planned for myself so far. The school stresses diversity, so when talking to other parents solo (without the other mom), I couldn't let the conversation go too long without letting them know our daughter has two moms. From the first day, the other parents were already talking about play dates, car pools, etc. I thought if we were to be rejected by any of the parents, let's get it over with early instead of waiting for some parent to find out later. Who knows if this is the best strategy--it wasn't even thought out, just what jumped out of my mouth.

I did see two parents whispering when I ran off to catch my daughter. I don't think I am being paranoid when I say I am fairly certain they were talking about us. But, if that's the worst, that's nothing. I'll keep you posted.

Bumbling toward equality?

If you had a chance to see the You Tube Democratic Presidential debate, then you witnessed a pathetic, bumbling response from the majority of candidates on the issue of marriage equality.

Dennis Kucninich seems to be the only candidate who clearly understands the issue of marriage equality, and is also clearly articulating full support for marriage and other LGBT rights. But, the Queer community doesn't seem to back him at all, and overall, he seems to get the more attention over his new wife than anything else.

So why is much of the LGBT community behind candidates who sound like bumbling idiots when it comes to our equality? Hillary, Obama, and friends won't take a stand for us, yet we are once again driving their campaigns.

Why would a candidate take a courageous stand for us when we continue to just give away our votes?

We will only get justice when we demand it. Otherwise, prepare for more bumbling...

Redefining Family

As a queer academic and activist, I believe that the power of linguistic redefinition is critical to LGBT politics. Often times, when I use the term "family" to refer to the relationsihp between myself and my partner, people assume that we have children. We are so saturated with normative definitions of "family" that even in our progressive LGBT circles we still assume that when one uses the term "family" they are implicitly referencing children. My partner is my family and whether we have children or not has no bearing on my use or understanding of the term "family."

I see my work not simply as a call to attain equal rights for LGBT persons, but also to redefine terms such as family so that they can account for all types of configurations of loving individuals. (I suspect that many of you are thinking right now "this is exactly what the Right is scared of...what are we advocating for polyamory now?! My response: Sure, as long as it is between consenting adults who share love for one another.) We have the power to push the barriers of language and to redefinie terms in order to make them more inclusive.

Just Because...

Just because one can have a child, doesn't mean one should.

Just a few thoughts:
1. Children are little human beings who need to be loved and nurtured.
2. If your child is terrified of you, you shouldn't be a parent.
3. You are no hero if you adopt a child from an orphanage in a poor country, or from the crappy US foster care system, and then treat them like dirt in your own home.
4. Children are not accessories to be used when convenient.

Many of us, gay and straight, stand by quietly as we witness some parents killing the spirit of beautiful children. We rationalize that people have the right to parent with their own style of discipline, their own values. Who are we to question someone else's parenting style?

To a child, we could be their savior.

Whether we know these abusive parents or not, whether it is in the grocery store or at the local restaurant, if we don't stand up for these children, then are we any better?

Why Marriage Matters to a Twenty-Something Year Old

Please allow me to introduce myself-My name is Rez Pullen and I am the newest MEGA employee. I am thrilled to be working with Kathy and everyone else who has made MEGA the incredible organization it is today. My partner Sara, and I moved from Boston (go Sox!) to Atlanta (somewhat reluctantly, I'll admit) so I could attend a PhD program at Emory.

I have many debates with my peers and colleagues who argue that the only way to assume equal rights for all citizens is to overturn the institution of marriage. And I agree that the institution of marriage is discriminatory against single people or families who complicate the dichotomous coupling arrangement. And while the institution of marriage may be inherently flawed, it would be an irresponsible and politically foolish move to abandon it all together.

Regardless of what you think of the inherent institutional problems of the marriage system, it does offer benefits which are critical to the survival of LGBT people. I'm tired of hearing people say the fight for marriage represents the privilege of the persons advocating for it. I fight for marriage equality not only to secure the rights my partner and I gained at our wedding last year, but also for the lesbians and gay men who remain "illegal aliens" because they cannot obtain citizenship through their US partners. The issue of marriage equality cuts across race, class, citizenship and every other category. If you'd like more examples, let me know and I will send you my entire diatribe on the subject :-)

Too busy to be gay?

How is it possible that someone who works full-time for the LGBT cause can forget her sexual orientation, and more importantly the significant implications of being gay, a gay parent, a gay activist, etc.

I realized today in my place of worship that I have been so busy focused on getting my daughter into the "right" school, getting her potty trained, and trying to grow the MEGA Family Project I have forgotten about some important issues facing us as LGBT people. Not exactly what you want to hear in your gay leadership folks.

But, I insist on being honest if I am to do this work.

Just a few minutes ago I was glancing at one of my gay news sources, only looking at the headlines, and I realized they were all about violent and awful things happening to LGBT people. A gay person beat up by a police officer. A murder charge in a Brooklyn gay killing, and on and on.

It's so easy to forget the scary bad stuff when you have the privilege of living in a neighborhood that appears on the surface to be very supportive of our family (despite our differences in the voting booth).

Today, our place of worship focused on both Pride Sunday and Father's Day. A lot to get into one service, which is partially to explain the length of the service (which I actually thoroughly enjoyed because it was such a wonderful service).

Our guest minister today, a lay minister by the name of Duncan Teague, just has a way to bring people to the right place, a place of integrity, a place of hope. Though he shared many of his difficulties growing up gay in an African American household, he also shared many of his triumphs along his journey. It was nice to hear.

When he started his service reflecting on the murder of Harvey Milk, it became crystal clear it is easy to forget those heroes that have gone before us and the tragedies we have faced as a community. They say we Americans have short memories...

Personally, I have become so involved in helping people create families, and working with all the beautiful children and parents in our community, I have forgotten about the hostility, danger, and pain we experience. I have been blessed with the beauty within our community.

I almost didn't make it to my place of worship today because I had planned to spend the next 3 days completely at home with my daughter to work on the dreaded potty training (you try controlling someone else's bodily functions if you want a real challenge!). I am so glad I made it to hear our Pride service, to here the beautiful and funny sermon Mr. Teague so generously shared. There are so many days when it feels as though I am just exactly where I need to be...

The wake up call was heard, and I am glad to be awaken.

On a happier note: Happy Father's Day to All Our Wonderful Dads!

Planning for School

My daughter was finally accepted into the school of our choice (yeah!). Boy, no one prepares you for the stress of figuring out the best school for your child, and then how to get your child into that school. At a time when most parents are just trying to survive sleepless nights, the reality is they should be looking at the various school and child care options available at least a year in advance.

And then we have the added diversity issues: how does the school handle gay families, holidays, and children of color (our daughter is hispanic/native american)? One supposedly great private school in our area of town fell all over itself being proud of all the gay families it had. They didn't have much to say when we asked about how many children of color they had (the pictures in the classrooms were almost all white kids). Our daughter already has 2 white moms, we know we have a responsibility to expose her to a lot of diversity--starting with where she goes to school.

Our family missed out on the first go-round of getting little Maggie into a Montessori program, so we ended up waiting almost a year later until we got her in. Of course, I believe we were supposed to miss out on that first opportunity so she can end up where we now want her in school.

In that year where we missed getting Maggie into a Montessori program, I went around to a couple of the nicer-looking childcare facilities to see what they were like. 3 facilities later, I was horrified by what I saw. Kids terrified of the "teachers." One place was feeding 5-6 kids in a circle with the same spoon and bowl for all the children. Nope, I wasn't ready for that, so another year of nanny help was in order (whether we could afford it or not).

What started as a plan for let's keep Maggie home for one year and then find some type of childcare program, quickly turned into 2 1/2 years (not in the budget).

It's scary as a parent to turn your child over to others for care. You don't hear many people talk about it.

So, off to School Round 2:
I have to say, going through the interviews, school tours, the pressure to make decisions about various schools, and what feels like a major life decision, has added gray hair to my already graying head. This was definitely much harder and more stressful than my own college admission process.

I know many of you probably think I just need to lighten up. I can't. It's our only child, and we want the best for her, and I hope somehow we deliver her the best we can provide. This parenting stuff is hard, folks.

The message here: if you are new with a baby, or thinking of baby, also start slowly thinking out your childcare and school plan.

Living with Fear

Living in Georgia as a gay parent sometimes takes courage, strength, and a tolerance for living with fear. Sometimes, I feel as though my family should just get the hell out of this damn state, but I never have a real clear vision to where my family could run to and live happily-ever-after. These feelings of running pass when I talk to my neighbors, strangers in the grocery line, enjoy an afternoon at one of Georgia's wonderful outdoor parks or festivals, or look out into my peaceful backyard. There are kind, decent people living in this state, and it offers most of us a nice quality of life.

This past week, a news story about a would-be adoptive gay mom, Elizabeth Hadaway, has rocked many in the LGBT parenting community. A scary/evil judge by the name of Judge John Lee Parrott in Georgia has denied a woman an adoption based on her sexual orientation citing in part the marriage amendment. It doesn't matter that the child's birthmother asked Hadaway to adopt her child, nor that her adoption homestudy found Hadaway suitable to adopt; apparently this Georgia judge thinks he should have the right to choose who adopts over the child's own birthmother (this is scary folks, it has huge ramifications for every parent straight or gay).

In January, Judge Parrott ordered Hadaway to return the child to her birthmother within 10 days. According to Hadaway, the birthmother refused to take the child back and again told Hadaway to raise the child. After learning of this, in February Judge Parrott took the 6 year old child out of Hadaway's home and placed her with strangers in foster care. In March, the judge charged Hadaway and her attorney with criminal contempt for not following his order to transfer custody of the child. The two women were sentenced to 10 days in jail, or five days plus a $500 fine, but are currently appealing Parrott’s decision.

Scared. Startled. Not at ease with the universe. Parents in Georgia.

Are we all at risk for losing our children, or do we rationalize this was just an isolated, freak case?

Some people say these things are starting to happen because we are so close to winning our battle for equality for LGBT people. I know we sure are changing the hearts and minds of our fellow Georgians and Americans about who we are and whether we're fit to receive the same rights as straight people. Polling results show it, especially among the youth in our country, and this has to make those who obsessively attack us nervous.

I don't think this is an isolated case, and I think we are going to start seeing more and more of this type of stuff in Georgia before it is all settled. You can thank Sara "Leanne" Wheeler for getting the ball rolling against gay parents when she selfishly decided to try to terminate her ex-partner's second-parent adoption rights. She has been unsuccessful, but she has the anti-gay establishment rolling over to help her.

So, I am scared for my family and your families. For parents-to-be and parents who already are. I am afraid our legislative or judicial system will take away everyone's right to decide who should parent our children if we become unable. Even straight people won't have the right to have their gay brother or sister raise their children should something happen to them.

Scared, you bet. Nothing is more precious to us than our children. The lack of legal rights in this country under the Bush administration should be enough to make us all fearful.

As for Georgia, I believe LGBT families will remain under attack, most likely through adoption issues. The burning question, what are WE going to do about it?

Barack Obama

Today, I saw Barack Obama speak in Atlanta. He was inspiring, not that he really said anything new, but because he appears to be a man of integrity. He is clearly not as polished as Hillary Clinton and others, but I would rather have integrity over all else. I don't think I am alone, as I think many of his supporters are craving integrity.

While I was chasing around my 2 year old at the rally, I was excited to hear two important references regarding gay people that showed Obama's courage (you know they usually ignore the gay topic unless they absolutely have to say something). He first criticized many in Washington for blaming gay people for many of the problems our country is facing. He got applause!

In his second reference, he said something to the effect if you are gay, straight, etc... that we should all come together as part of his vision (sorry for the lack of specifics, but my daughter was a distraction). Applause again from a predominantly African American crowd. The fact that he clearly and purposely included gay people in his vision for America is something we should all take notice of when we are looking for courageous leaders to defend our families. Let's see if any of the other front runners follow his lead and start giving a damn about us as human beings.

Do We Change Ourselves For Our Children?

As I get older, more-married, and more tired trying to balance work, friends, and being the primary parent, I realize I don't care much about what I am wearing or how I look. Like the classic Desperate Housewive's mom scene, I find myself talking to people or going out with toddler food or ickyness of some sort on my clothes.

I only occaisionally notice myself these days. It's just the way it is when you are running after a 2 year old, trying to get her into the "best" school, and creating the precious moments we share. Forget running an organization, a part-time home business, and keeping my wife (and pets) happy.

In my frugal moments, I am proud that working from home and taking care of a toddler has kept me from needing to buy many new clothes over the last 2 years. Though, every once in a while I realize how old and on the butch-side my clothes are.

You are probably wondering where this ramble leads.

Well, I have moments when I wonder whether my daughter's moms need to change their image a little to make her life easier. Of course, at 2, she is perfectly content with how her moms look. But will she want her moms to look a little less-gay, and a little more mom-like (whatever hererosexist image I have conjured up in my mind)? Will looking more mom-like make her life easier?

Neither of her moms are opposed to wearing dresses or anything like that, but we generally dress for comfort, and let's face it, men's clothing is more comfortable (and cheaper--just compare the same products for men and women at Old Navy).

I am not exactly sure how to pull off the looking more mom-like image, but I am pretty sure I might want to consider it for my daughter's sake. Playground comments from parents and kids can be brutal, and I would hate for my daughter to suffer because of something I can control (well, I think I can control my non-mom-looking appearance).

Just the other day, a nice young boy around 9 said to me "you're her mother?" in shock. He was quite surprised when I said yes, and then he muttered how it is amazing how kids don't look alike (I think he meant like their parents). Anyway, he was commenting on the fact that my daughter is hispanic and Native American, not me not looking like a mother. Whew! But, a wake up call nonetheless.

One thing I like about being gay is that many of societal's rules don't apply--or at least I can get away with some things because of my gayness. I don't think I would get away with wearing my painter pants and t-shirts in the heterosexual world. See, more to love about being gay! You get to wear what you want!

Actually though, I'm not sure how much of my non-mommy looking appearance is a gay thing, or from laziness. I think it might be more of the latter since most (not all) of the other gay moms in my play group pull off looking like moms.

When I read what I just wrote, it occurs to me that this sounds more like my own internalized homophobia because what I am really saying is I don't want kids on the playground whispering (or loudly) saying Maggie's mom is GAY.

Don't look for me on the playground in a sun dress, but maybe not my painter pants so much.

I don't care what others say about me, but I do worry about my daughter getting hurt. Good thing the next generation is more accepting....

Competing at 2!

I can hardly believe it. My daughter is only 2 years old and she/we are already competing against other children her age. No, it's not to get into Harvard, or even a sports team, but to get into a good local school program in the Fall. I have been thinking more about this process than I have other big, important things in my life. I don't exactly know why I am so preoccupied with it, and I worry a bit about how I will feel about other really big things in her life down the road.

Tomorrow, we have my daughter's interview at one of the local schools. We really like this school, so we are preparing her as if she is taking the entrance exam to Stanford. Well, we are preparing her as much as you can prepare a 2 year old. Trying to teach her to answer "what's your name," and the rules: "remember, no pushing other kids," remember, you have to share with other kids," and "listen to the teacher" (I don't think she actually knows what a teacher is). Now, on most days, my daughter can do great in a situation like this. She is very social, loves being around other kids, and listens fairly well. Let's hope tomorrow isn't one of those rare "bad days."

We've already been scrutinized twice. Once at an orientation, and another time for the parent interview. Is it crazy that now our 2 year old has to interview? We sure are putting a lot into it. I wonder, does it really mean a great deal for her future? We've convinced ourselves of it, at least for now.

We are not alone with this process. I am hearing a lot of talk on the playground from other families who are competing for one school or another. Whether it's the great public school that takes people out of district, or one of the many private schools, people are already stressed about this for their 2 year olds. I wish someone would have told me about this earlier so I could have started preparing sooner (most programs we are looking at have a 1 year wait).

I just have to remember it is really out of my hands--meaning I make sense of these things by believing whatever is supposed to happen will happen. So, if she wasn't meant to get in, then that's the way it supposed to go. Sometimes, I hope she won't get in so I can spend another year at home with her, but that's certainly not best for my career, my family finances, and I think her well-being.

We'll see what happens....

Atempted Parenting Theft: Throw them out of the community!

I get sick of hearing about gay folks behaving badly when it comes to the well-being of our children. I realize straight people behave badly also, but there is something extra sickening to see a gay person use the anti-gay legal system to steal a parent from a child (or vice versa). At least straight folks have a legal system that helps them end their relationships in a way that limits the harm to children.

Shame on anyone who reads this who has manipulated our anti-gay legal system in an attempt to steal a parent from your child or children, and to take away the parenting rights from a former loved one. I will never stand with someone who does such awful treachery, and I think the entire community should speak out, or at least turn our backs on such people.

I don't care if it is a friend who you want to support in a breakup. You can't support this kind of behavior because it hurts us all and has far-reaching implications. Anytime someone uses anti-gay tactics to harm another, whether child or partner/spouse, it jeopardizes all of our relationships with our children and spouses/partners.

Of course, I will remind you that if gay people were allowed to marry, we wouldn't have such awful behavior because we would have a legal system that would entitle us and our children to certain legal rights. Otherwise, we remain legal strangers to one another. And unfortunately, the legal stranger status sets up the opportunity for gay people with children to be selfish and stupid when they end their relationships.

We fight so hard to get people to recognize our relationships with our partners/spouses and our children. Then, some idiot decides to use the anti-gay system in an attempt to steal another's parenting rights. Whether one is fortunate enough to have legal rights as a parent through adoption, if a person has been taking care of a child, and that child sees the person as a parent, then damn it, we all should see that person as a parent.

I won't go so far as to say we should stone members of the gay community who manipulate the anti-gay system for their own selfish attempt to steal another's parenting rights, but I will say the community should speak out against these folks, and boot them from the community in whatever ways possible.

It's not just the community these selfish people are hurting, it's first and foremost the children. I guess this is the case in many heterosexual divorces, but at least there is a legal system that offers legal protections for the children in these cases.

I am supposed to be nice to all the members of my organization, but don't count on seeing niceness and silence from me if you are trying to manipulate the system to steal another's parenting rights and a child's parent.

It's wrong, and nothing one says or thinks justifies these selfish actions.