Thoughts on Memorial Day

I'm not a fan of war...in fact, I'm not a fan of any kind of fights. Anytime I've witnessed others fighting, I become ill as my stomach turns somersaults and my head feels faint. I just don't like the idea, or the results, of harming another person.

I do realize, at times, that it happens. Perhaps it has even been unavoidable. I don't claim to be a history buff, but I know the U.S. tried very hard to stay out of World Wars I and II, only to be sucked in after an attack. If I recall correctly, it was the sinking of the Lusitania that drew us into the first world war, and the bombing of Pearl Harbor that dragged us into the second. After offenses like those, what else could we do but fight? Opinions differ about our present war, but that's beside the point.

I just LOVE me some military women! I don't know what it is about the uniform, which makes a hot woman even hotter! In fact, I've done all branches except for the Air Force and the Coast Guard. Hahaha! I guess this makes me military by association. But, these days, and for the past nearly two years, there's a certain sergeant who's had my attention...and eventually became the woman I know I was meant to live my life with.

I always support the troops whether I agree with war or not. Though some troops volunteer to go to war, most are sent there. It's part of what they agreed to when they signed up for the armed forces. Sure, many join for the college fund, for the experience, or like Kristin, because they were in a "I don't know what to do with myself and I'm going to show myself I can do this" phase, and were searching for something. Very rarely does one sign up because they love fighting wars. However, the probability of being sent to war is rather high these days.

For those readers who have been in the military, or like me, are a "military spouse," you know that these soldiers are owned by the government. They go where the military sends them. Yeah, you can have some say in the matter, from time to time. For example, Kristin volunteered to go to Korea (as our friendship was budding, before we got together...gosh, I remember feeling crushed when she told me she did this), because it allowed her to choose to return to the post she was stationed before leaving (meaning she will be near me again). Also, it allowed her to avoid the nearly inevitable...an involuntary deployment to Iraq. So, sometimes, there is a choice, but overall there is not. For example, they took her leave from her (because they said they were short-staffed), and she cannot come home for Pride. She also found out there is the possibility of being extended in Korea, and there's also a chance they won't follow through with her choice of returning to her previous post. So, she has very little control until she gets out in 2009. However, should they determine they can't afford to lose her, OR if within 3 or so years they decide they need her back, she will have no choice but to drop what she's doing and return. So...ultimately, the Army has her life for quite a while.

Alright, so ANY soldier makes a sacrifice for our country, even if they aren't at war. There is a personal sacrifice on the soldier and the soldier's loved ones. Now, let's take it a step further. I read with interest, some interviews on some older African-American gentlemen. They spoke of how Memorial Day is personal for them...something they celebrate in their own heads...but nothing they care to partake in. These men were from the segregation generation, and they spoke of how their units were not afforded the same "luxuries" as the white units. Though I don't recall specifically what the differences were, I remember thinking, "Gosh, that's not fair at all!" I remembered thinking how dare the government expect these men to fight for our freedom only to be denied civil liberties and equal rights back home.

And then I thought some more...we currently have many gays in the military. Some are fine with their lack of rights. They have no problem living in the closet, keeping it all to themselves. For those with families, though, it's been quite an issue. For others, though, like Kristin, this IS a problem. And, I'll tell you why it didn't really hit her until she had a family.

When she first joined the Army, she actually ended a relationship over "Don't ask, don't tell." Fast forward to a couple of years later, and then I came into the picture. This is when her lack of equal rights really hit her and she determined she'd no longer be swayed by them. She even came out to her commander while stationed in GA, but he said he didn't care. Upon arriving in Korea, and going to briefing after briefing where they've discussed allowing families to accompany their soldiers, it bothered her. She would ask in her mind, "What about my family?"

Aside from the fact that she's underpaid at the single rate, that it's on me to furnish all the medical coverage for myself and the kids...aside from all the financial aspects, which is okay, because I'm I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T, do ya know what I mean? (Haha, does anybody actually know this song?) Anyway, aside from all this, we've come across other complications along the way. First of all, should the Army decide to change her post (after Korea), it will mean nothing to them that they are taking her away from me and the kids. If we were straight, though, they would just move us as well. Also, when I visited her in Korea, I had to go through a comprehensive check-in and check-out process everytime we came on and off post. Had I been a straight military spouse, though, I'd have my own ID card. In fact, I could have rode the shuttle directly in from the airport...for free! Of course, the former issue is much larger than the latter...but it's just things that we encounter day-by-day. It has really put our relationship to a major test. We both have tendencies to run from relationships (actually, she runs and I just push them to leave me...great combo, right?), so even with the complications, the fact that we still talk numerous times everyday and intend to have a life together says a lot. We know we have something that we only share with each other...and though this is conceited, we feel we have something unexplainable a lot of couples don't. That might just be our bias, but it's how we feel.

So...it's been nearly 8 months, and on some days, I still cry just as hard as I did the day she left. Yeah, I'm one of those pitiful emotional types. Haha. You know, I even had the privilege of visiting her, and it didn't seem to make the distance any easier. This wasn't one of those "love and lose" relationships...this is the real deal. So...yeah, I have to admit, everything feels incomplete without her. No, I don't sit and mope. I can't just stop living. I get out, have fun, and spend time with the kids and with friends. Yet, there's nothing I do that wouldn't be better if she were here with us. Sometimes, we call and text while I'm out and about to help her stay engaged. Yeah...that's been our version of spending time together for the past 8 months.

As I get pitiful about my personal experience as a military "spouse," I have to scold myself, too. I know how bad it feels today, thinking we have over 4 months left...thinking about the missed birthdays, doing Pride without her, etc. But, here on Memorial Day, I think, "Gosh Brandi, you are such a loser. Some people will never get to see their soldier again."

I guess that really puts it in perspective for me.

California Supreme Court Declares Marriage Legal for Same-Sex Couples

On May 15th, the California Supreme Court declared marriage legal for same-sex couples in California, citing the domestic partnership system in place in California was the equivalent of second-class citizenship and NOT the same as marriage. Couples are expected to be able to marry in 30 days! And unlike Massachusetts, couples from anywhere in the country can go to California to get married, though most of our home states aren't expected to recognize our marriages from California.

On this truly historic decision, I can't help but get excited for all my friends and fellow activists who have been working for years to legalize marriage in California. I think of how happy they were in 2004 when Mayor Gavin Newsom opened the doors of marriage to them, and the tears they shed when their marriages were overturned and tossed aside as if their families didn't matter. It is wonderful to turn on CNN and see so many of those same people celebrating their love as if it were 2004 again.

It is not 2004 though, and since then, many Americans have had the opportunity to see that the marriages of same-sex couples in Massachusetts have had no dooms-day affect on the country or their own marriages for that matter.

Those of us in the activist world expect right-wing groups like the Family Research Council and others to take on a MAJOR offensive in California to try to change the state's Constitution to ban marriage by same-sex couples. We will see money pour into this campaign like no anti-marriage campaign in the past because the right-wing realizes if they lose this battle, the game is over. Already, they realize they are losing the battle, and this really is their last stand.

Meanwhile, gay and lesbian couples will marry in California to celebrate their love and gain the protections and responsibilities that go with marriage. Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi have said they will marry. I imagine we will see a host of other celebrities walk down the isle, but more importantly, we will see everyday people marry and gain the legal protections and respect their relationships deserve. It is the everyday people who are neighbors, co-workers, PTA members, etc. who will win over the support of Californians when it gets to the ballot box.

Thankfully, this time Governor Schwarzenegger has said he will not support a Constitutional ban on gay marriage. Let's hope many others will follow suit and do the right thing for our families in California.

Your mama's so gay, she thought the Home Depot was a dating service!

To make a terribly long, complicated story a little shorter, I "came out of the closet" a little later than most. I was 27!!!!! After growing up in a super right-wing family (and I mean EXTREMELY conservative views), and constantly battling myself from within, I finally decided to just be me...and that includes being a lesbian. No, it doesn't define me, but it is a huge part of me. Of course, this affects my dating life, my civil rights, and to some extent, it involves my children. Anyway, my point is that when I was much younger, I went to great lengths to try and make myself be the person I thought I was supposed to be. I didn't realize that being gay was actually normal; I thought I was just having devilishly temptuous thoughts. So, I got married, and for reasons unrelated to my sexual orientation, I got divorced.

The divorce came seven and a half years after the marriage. In that time, I grew a lot in my mind and spirit, and pretty much overcame any "hang-ups" about going to hell, being sinful, etc. Oddly enough, I learned a lot about myself while getting my degrees in psychology (which, oddly enough, was intended to serve as training to help others). At any rate, upon divorce, I felt free to roll with nature, and to make decisions based on how I feel. Ever since then, in 2002, I can say my intuition has grown exponentially, and so many other doors to my existence opened.

At the time, my children were ages 3 and 5. It wasn't long before I found my first girlfriend, and we were definitely not meant to live our lives together. So...I'd see her at school, work, and on my "grown-up weekends." In the event she came around the kids, they had no idea we were more than friends. Thus, I didn't approach the issue with them. I still wasn't totally sure what to make of my new relationship let alone what to tell the kids about it.

The first girlfriend saga didn't even last a whole year. Yet, I was certain I was gay and not bisexual, and I knew that I'd continue to date women. I thought, for a while, about how I'd approach the issue with the children. I contemplated between two extremes. I figured on one hand, I could wait until I had a meaningful relationship, with partner-potential, to even bother discussing the issue. On the other hand, I thought the younger they are, the better.

After another relationship failed a year or so later, I knew it may be years (or never) before I actually settled with a partner. I thought about how the kids could actually be grown and moved away before I find this in my life. That would be absolutely terrible, to come out with something that late in life. And besides, I was out of the closet with all the adults in my life and I had grown comfortable with being a lesbian. So...one day, when the kids (ages 6 and 4 at the time) were playing with their Barbies and super heroes, they paired them up with each other and said they were "getting married." I noticed all "couples" were opposite sex, so I took the opportunity to say the following:

"You know kids...most boys have girlfriends and most girls have boyfriends, but some boys have boyfriends and some girls have girlfriends."

"Really?" they both responded.

"Yes," I confirmed.

And to that, they went on with their play session. They weren't so shocked by my statement. So, about a week or two later, I had another opening, and I asked the kids what they would think if Mommy had a girlfriend. Morghan's response was, "You do! It's (the name of ex-girlfriend #2)." My jaw dropped at the realization that Morghan already knew.

Fast-forwarding to the present day...Morghan is nearly 11 and begins middle school in August. Chandler will turn 9 over the summer and become a big bad 4th grader. Both have known for years that I'm a lesbian, and as the time progresses, my appearance "looks more gay." Haha! I'm completely open about this with everyone except for my students. Of course, most have picked up on it (Come on, most are street-wise alternative school students), and it's no big deal (even though sexual orientation is not included in the school system's EOE statement...different topic, different blog).

So, what's the problem? The kids very rarely feel comfortable being open with their friends about my "lesbionic ways." I mean, I know at their age, they probably won't. I've never encouraged them either way, I've only said it is completely up to them what they say to their friends. Before Kristin was shipped off overseas, they'd just say she was my friend. Some kids even mistook her for a guy. I don't know how, though. She's way too pretty (no offense to men, of course). In fact, she was in the top ten for Miss New York after being crowned the winner in two different beauty pageants. Anyway...some of the kids back in Augusta would ask my children if she was their dad. Hahahahaha!

Kristin has been away most of this school year, and I'm not totally sure if she's ever coming back to be with us, the way we were before. This actually saddens the kids as much as it does me. But, that's beside the point. The point is that the kids haven't seen me behave romantically with a woman since then, but they seem to have grown more sensitive to what their peers think...especially my soon-to-be 6th grader! At an informational meeting at her future middle school, I jokingly whispered something about admitting I'm gay, and she looked horrified, as if it would be the worst thing ever. I just looked at her and said, "You have to know I won't do that."

Later that evening, I had a discussion with Morghan. I told her my position on my "gayness" and hoped it helped:

It's still up to you what you say to your friends or what you don't say to them. I will never go out of my way to embarrass you. I will not walk into your school, announcing anyone is my partner or holding hands or kissing them. You never have to worry about that. At the same time, though, I'm not going to pretend that I'm someone I'm not. I will not grow my hair longer or try to be girly just to make myself look less gay. I already tried that, and I wasn't myself. You know I've always encouraged you and your brother to be yourselves and all I can be is myself.

So, that was it, and the topic hasn't come up since then. I feel very much loved by my children, and I know they feel loved and safe with me. My intentions were to relieve Morghan of any worries of embarrassment (because that is probably the worst thing that can happen to a middle schooler...to be embarrassed...like OMG or something...TOTALLY!). I also wanted her to realize she had control in what information she gave her friends...it's nobody's business anyway, and she doesn't owe them an explanation. At the same time, though, I feel the need to give her something I didn't have: an example of self-comfort. I was never encouraged to be myself, and looking back, I can see where my Nana (the woman whose home I grew up in) had ideas about how I was supposed to be...her ideas and my reality are very far apart.

I hope I have not compromised the gay rights movement by telling her it was okay not to acknowledge my sexual orientation. At the same time, I feel it's a comfort she must come to naturally. She's a very loving, tolerant person, who finds any type of discrimination appalling. I think right now, though, her need to avoid any potential teasing (because middle schoolers can be meaner than ex-girlfriends...haha) wins out over her belief in justice for all.

Supporting the Team--the Atlanta Dream, that is!

Tonight, I had the pleasure of attending the Pre-Season game for the Atlanta Dream--the new Women's National Basketball Association (WNBA) team in Georgia. It was a pleasure for many reasons, but I want to focus on the most obvious. As my friend Karen text-messaged us as she was waiting for us at the game: "I've never seen so many lesbians in my life."

My wife and I became WNBA fans back when we lived in Washington, DC. There, a new team had just started and there was a lot of buzz in the gay community about it. I was never before a big basketball fan, but somehow my wife and I were suddenly season ticket holders and die-hard WNBA fans.

Clearly a big part of the draw for us was that the stands were filled with lesbians (not so many gay men, but probably a handful), and families. We all got along wonderfully and had a great time at the games.

It has been no secret in the WNBA that many, if not all of the league teams are supported largely by the lesbian community. Without us, they would probably not survive.

So tonight, looking around Philip's Arena, it was so nice to see all the lesbians in the stands, the quick bond, smiles and nods between strangers. We who attend the games know we are part of a club. It's a great club to be in for many reasons, but the one that stood out to me tonight was our power.

I think one of the reasons so many of us come together and enjoy ourselves in this welcoming environment is because we have power. We are safe in our numbers at the game, so even though we may be sitting near someone with views that are non-accepting of us, we know they will not speak to us in that way because we are not the minority at these games. It is safe. It is fun. And it's great to follow the drama and stories that accompany women's basketball.

As a leader in this community who often struggles with the idea that we as a community don't try to grasp real power to help ourselves, I thought about how we may have unconsciously done so through the WNBA.

In Atlanta, the stands are clearly filled with lesbians (and at least two gay male couples), and we have the power to make or break this team. It also gives us a sense of empowerment that we can be who we are at these games.

With all this rambling, what I am trying to say is we need more of you to come out. Grab the power, join the club, and have some fun at this gay affirming venue. Let's make it really obvious who supports this team so it will be our team. Could you ever dream of us having the power to control the fate of a national sports team? We do. And this actually will help us in our drive for acceptance in this country.

Not only will straight people have the opportunity to meet gay people and realize were not so scary or bad, but we will gain tremendous respect from the business leaders in the community who need us to make this team survive and ultimately thrive. These are both important wins for us.

So, all that being said, I say come out to as many games as you can. Become a season ticket holder if you can. Buy your tickets for the home opener May 23rd through MEGA so we can show them our economic power. Folks, I may not have done the best job explaining this, but it matters.

Click here to purchase tickets for the MEGA block on May 23rd!

If you want to learn more about the Atlanta Dream, you can click here to go to their website!

**And on a side note to the LA Sparks and their fans--your team was rude and arrogant tonight! Though Candace Parker is probably one of the best players in the league, her arrogant, show-boating behavior was a disgrace. How disappointing to see her head down this path. I hope someone stops her and brings her back down to earth. With minutes left to a strangely close game, Candace, Lisa Leslie, and several other teammates were not even watching the game--they were dancing and watching various fans in the stands dance. They literally had their backs to the game, which is something I have never seen before in a team. How disrespectful to your teammates who WERE playing and to the Atlanta Dream who actually almost beat your team!

Still, it is a lot of fun, so come on out to the games!

The answer doesn't always have to do with being GAY!

I had a really rough week this week. I broke down in Florida while there for some work and play. Repairs, rental car, frustrations, and then I came back to Atlanta to an overloaded in box, employees with unresolved issues, vendors and clients that needed my attention. My finances and emotions were pretty drained. My 15 year old daughter called Friday afternoon and at about the same time I actually realized just how RAW my emotions were from the previous week. "Daddy, there's this COOL concert and its ONLY $50, can you send the money?" That was the last thing I wanted to hear at that moment when I was an hour late leaving from work already and not having had the best week. I didn't handle it well. She knew I was not in a great mood.

I've spent a lot of time worrying about how my being gay affects my children who live in a very small town where I was very well known. I've worried about how their morals, values, and religious views are being formed living in an area where it is really NOT ok for your Dad to be gay. Luckily for me, I've been very well accepted or tolerated depending on the person. I still worry about them.

Friday afternoon I realized that with all my worries about being gay and how it affects my children, I let a hard week affect both of us more. How crazy is it that being gay has been a GOOD "status symbol" with her friends. She's doing a play right now where there are two of her high school buddies who are gay. How wonderful is that? What I sometimes forget is that being a Dad to my children is LEAST about my being gay and more about showing them the right way to handle bad days and weeks. Its about loving them no matter what. Friday reminded me that its also about how to correct the bad end to a bad week and showing my daughter that I'm human. At the end of the day, she sent me a text message that read: "Daddy, I don't tell you this enough but I love you more than you will ever know. "

All I know is that after I dried my tears, I thanked God for reminding me that sometimes you even have to tell your children you're sorry. What a great start to a weekend and a new week!

Mega Family Champions

I am in the Corporate / furnished housing business and recently attended our annual conference for the largest organization that represents us in our industry. This year I served on the membership and the conference committee and found it to be a lot of work. I had conference calls and responsibilities for both committees and a "job" to do when I got to Vegas. This was my fourth annual meeting and up to this point I found it informative and a "nice break" from work but that was about it. This year, through my involvement, I learned the inner workings of the organization and how things are done. I learned the core principles of the organization and found the conferences value quadrupled for me. The price of the conference was SO worth it when I realized that I knew what was going on and even had a hand in it.

I know this "idea" was stolen from someone so I'm not taking the credit but....
The value of something should not be determined by what you get out of it until you think about what you are putting in to it.

I learned this lesson this year. I know now that if I really want to get something out of an organization or event that I need to put something back into it. Thats why I volunteered to serve on the board of Mega Family and recently added myself to the list of Mega Family Champions. My 2 cents in time and money may not mean much by itself, but combine that with everyone else and we both gain from it. I've never believed that as much in my life as I do now. I hope that the readers of this blog will feel the same. Get out there and contribute whether it be your money or your time. JUST DO IT :).

Give your children some credit....they are smart!

A few years back at the end of my first relationship after my marriage ended, my daughter and I sat down to watch TV one night. Before starting the show we were going to watch I turned to her and asked her if she knew something about me that we had never discussed. I'm from a small town, people talk and I had just finished a 3 year relationship with someone who had a son who was 5-8 years old while we were together and he didn't want to come out during that time. My daughter just looked at me. I said..you DO know that I'm gay don't you? She said..DUH Daddy...you lived with a partner for 3 years! I said to her "but we slept in separate rooms when you were there". Her comment was simply "And you thought you were fooling somebody?" lol. At the time she was 12. I was just sitting there stunned. I figured being from a small town she would have heard people talk, but I really thought I had kept something quiet from her all that time. Kids really are perceptive. They see right through us when we have problems or are in trouble. They usually know that we are down or hiding something. I'm not saying that we need to share with them all of our struggles or drama. I do think that we need to be honest with them when they ask questions and at least give them the minimum information we can at that moment so they see that we are sharing with them. How else can we expect them to be honest with us and share with us when they need to. My daughter turns 16 this July and I'm proud to say that she has asked to march in the Pride parade with me this year. Yes, sometimes kids are a lot smarter than we think. Sometimes they can teach us a lesson.

From a Smart Fifth-Grader....

The other day, on the ride home from work/school, my ten-year old daughter randomly asked, "Mama, what do you think God thinks about the world today?" Wondering what she was about to say, I responded, "Hmm, I don't know. What ideas do you have?"

Morghan said, "Well, people litter and leave their trash everywhere. People kill each other, there's wars, etc."

"Wow, those are some problems right now," I acknowledged.

"And just think what he must have been thinking back when we had slavery! He must have really been disappointed," she wondered.

I validated her sentiments once again. As we drove on, I had a few ideas and I felt quite good about the thoughts running through my mind.

First of all, I was proud that homosexuality was NOT on her list of problems God would be upset about. Most of all, though, I was proud that the things she does feel are a problem are obvious injustices, which cause harm to others (i.e., pollution, violence, exploitation, etc.). As parents, I know we want to protect our kids from the ills of the world, but since they nevertheless exist, I'm glad my daughter recognizes them and knows these are the real problems (well, in my opinion, at least).

Introduction!

This is my first posting here so I thought that I would introduce myself and why I'm here. I'm a new board member with Mega Family in Atlanta. I'm the Facilitator for the Gay Fathers of Atlanta. I guess I'm the "odd one out" in this arena as a divorced gay father of two wonderful young adults. What we have in common is that we want our lives and the lives of our children to get better every day. I'm very much an advocate for GLBT individuals and families rights. If you had asked me 6 years ago I would have said you'd lost your mind. Five years and a few months ago all that changed. I came out with a "bang" in a very small town, divorced, and left a place I had lived for 37 years and was very much a part of that town and everything that town represented. I thought my life would never be the same again and in many ways I was right. I was one of the lucky ones! I have 99% of the friends I did then and hopefully 100% if not more of the respect of those that I had when I was married. I talked openly about where I was, where I had been and where I hoped I was going (though at that time I had no idea where I WAS going). I kept my main focus on my children and myself trying to make sure we all made it through this process with as few scars as possilble. I never forgot that I was divorcing someone who for 17 years had trusted me to be a loving and faithful husband. Two years later when our facilitator had some family issues to deal with I took over as the Facilitator for the Gay Fathers of Atlanta. Looking back I realize how important it was for me when I first came out to see that men who were in various stages of their divorce, coming out, moving on experience, were dealing with everything and how they kept going in spite of what can be some really huge obstacles. What I know today is that without them I would be a different person. Without those role models (mostly good..lol) I would not have been able to become who I have and am becoming. I know that I owe a debt of gratitude to those who went through this before me and were willing to share their stories of ups and downs so that I could possibly know what to expect and to see examples of how to handle certain situations. Today, my goal is simple. I want to be an example of a good, respectful, gay citizen and father. Please, we all have things about us we don't want to share with the world, but sometimes its those very things that help someone else through their own issues. I look forward to sharing my feelings and thoughts on gay fatherhood and other issues as I navigate my way through the coming days. I also welcome any questions or thoughts from readers that might have experienced or be experiencing similar situations. My son is 20 and my daughter is 15 and are the main reasons I exist. My daughter says my role in life is to keep her happy...lol. At least I have a purpose. Until next time....

Why so much hate as a result of love?

You hear talks about hate crimes, and you hear stories of where a homosexual is attacked by a complete stranger, simply for being gay. On a less severe, yet more common level, you hear and experience stories of discrimination from others. What hurts most, I'd say, is when the hate comes from someone who was supposed to love you no matter what: a parent.

Okay, so my partner is in Korea, and I have this unbelievable opportunity to go visit her. One of my colleagues is married to someone who generously hooked me up with a buddy pass...making the flight affordable. My kids have also reached the ages where they can spend a week with someone else. So, I started thinking about ideas for where they could go. After all, I wanted them to have a good time wherever they are. I would feel guilty if I went off to Korea, having the time of my life and then found out the kids were not having a good time on their spring break. So...I knew their father was not an option. He has never opted to have them for more than his alternating weekends. And besides, he works that week. Then, I thought about all the times the kids have asked to spend more time with my mother. When I told them I had the chance to go see Kristin in Korea, they were incredibly supportive and asked me to see if Grandma would have them over.

First, let me explain that my mother and I aren't close at all. Our relationship has been strained since my teen years, when she started a new life that really had no room for me. Don't get me wrong, I tried. But, she doesn't like that I'm gay. Prior to that, she didn't like that I was divorced. Prior to that, she didn't like the man I had been married to. Prior to that, she didn't like that I was not a practicing Catholic, the way she thought I ought to worship. Prior to that, she didn't like my job as a client relations representative at a sperm bank, because she said it was against God's will. And prior to that...I was just a bad teenager who disappointed her. Prior to that, she claimed she was subjected to vicious gossip, because she was 15 and pregnant with me, and that I should be grateful that she gave me life, rather than aborted me. I feel very fortunate that my Nana (her mother, who is still alive, yet "gone" as a result of dementia) actually raised me and loves me no matter what.

Anyway, that was the "nutshell version." But, in the past few years, I thought about extending myself somewhat to my mother. People always tell me it's better to try and have a relationship, rather than carry animosity. I've long gotten over the fact that we'd never be the mother-daughter pair you see hanging out, telling each other intimate stories, etc. But, I had hoped we could just "agree to disagree" about issues...that she could be happy that I found happiness, and I could accept that she has her beliefs and that it's okay we don't see eye-to-eye. I had also hoped we'd have some sort of interaction outside of bumping into each other at the family Christmas dinner. Most of all, I'd hoped she could have a relationship with the kids...they hear all their friends speak fondly of times with their grandparents...and they wish they could have the same thing.

So...I thought this might be a chance. The kids requested that I ask her before anyone else about them spending their spring break with her. They wanted to go, because on the rare occasions we are in her home (usually an extended family gathering), they have such a great time with their aunts and uncles, who aren't much older than them. Plus, she works from home, home-schooling her kids, and helping manage my step-father's business. I was nervous about asking, but I figured the worst she could say is "no." I definitely trust her to look out for the kids, and I knew they'd be happy. Boy, "the worst" was a lot worse than I expected.

My mother not only said "no," which is okay, because it's her prerogative to have visitors or not, but she fired back with a negative preaching. She treated me as if I didn't understand the difference between love and platonic friendship. Among other things, she explained how she was closer to some of her female friends than she was her husband, but that her friends could never serve the role of her spouse. She also told me God didn't intend it this way, and reminded me that I "chose" to enter into an unhappy marriage years ago. She wouldn't refer to my partner by name, only stating "I hope you friend makes it home safely."

In the email exchange, I tried to be very tactful, but I did respond by stating I accepted her position on the matter. However, I asked her to consider that I'm nearly 33 years old, that I'm very self-aware and have no confusion between platonic close friendships and romance, and that even though she didn't approve, my relationship with Kristin is very real. I also mentioned "feeling gay" before attempting marriage, but that I didn't always have the confidence to come out with it. My mother then responded to it with two more emails, stating she will only accept that I chose to be a lesbian. She also took the opportunity to vaguely refer to the past, stating I made choices that strained our relationship. In addition, she referred to my failed marriage as a reason to support her belief that my current partnership could not be taken seriously (though I was 20 years old and way too young when I got married).

So...to that, I told her how I felt, and that I could have done without the assault-by-email, and reminded her I was only trying to reach out (because I have trustworthy friends who are having the friends over that week), and left the door open. I stated I was okay with our differences, but that I couldn't be disrespected. I said if she ever decided she could have a relationship with ME, to let me know. To that, I got no response, and I'm at peace with the fact that we may never have much of a relationship.

I think about my mother, and I think about the random people (i.e., picketers at Pride who waste perfectly good weekends expressing messages of hate), and then I think about extreme hate crimes. Of all the issues people debate, why is there so much drama about gays? This is one issue where, people could honestly agree to disagree and not be impacted. Who do we hurt by being gay? Which non-gays are inconvenienced by gays? Again, this is not to say others should feel obligated to change whatever beliefs or opinions about homosexuality...but how are others honestly hurt by us, and why is there such a strong of a need to either suppress us, harm us, or merely dissociate themselves from us?

Personally, I've been very fortunate. I haven't lost straight friends after coming out of the closet. Most everybody I've worked with or otherwise associated with professionally seems to accept me. At this point, nobody has harmed me because of it. Really and truly, the person most hateful toward me has been my very own mother...who really just needed a reason to be against me. But, these stories others tell me of being the victim of hate...I'll never understand the purpose of it.

Loving ever ounce of their bodies and souls

Ever have a day when you realize the love you have in your heart for your child is bigger than every ounce of their body? It is scary to love a little being so much, but it is the best thing ever at the same time.

Life is a Circus!

My partner, Vincent, and I thought it would be a grand idea to take our 3 1/2 year old to the circus for his first life experience to see clown shenanigans, high wire acts and such. As it was, there were three circus troupes in town at the same time we wanted to go: Big Apple Circus, the Universoul Circus, and the granddaddy of all circuses, Ringling Brothers.

I wasn't quite ready to navigate a 3 year old through the throngs of people sure to attend Ringling Brothers at Philips Arena. And I didn't know much about the Universoul Circus at Turner Stadium. However, I had previously attended the Big Apple Circus and we agreed that because it offered a smaller, more intimate setting at Stone Mountain, we would make this circus Connor's first circus experience.

For days before the event, we built excitement and talked about what we might see under the big top. Connor's eyes would light up every time we talked about clowns, or horses, or acrobats performing aerial feats unlike anything he had ever seen. He was genuinely excited and eagerly anticipated our upcoming family outing.

At last, circus night arrived. Because it was a Friday, the plan was for Vincent to come home from work a little earlier than normal so we wouldn't have to rush making our way to Stone Mountain. I let Connor take a longer-than-normal nap knowing that he would be up late that evening. If there is one thing I have learned as a parent, it's that some kids need more sleep than others. If Connor is tired, he is cranky. And if he is cranky, you can expect a meltdown of monumental proportions wherever you might be: the grocery store, the mall, at a playgroup...anywhere there is a large audience to observe his performance.

I suppose I've become somewhat immune to his meltdowns. Maybe not immune, but I've learned to pretend I don't care how he is acting. For example, the first time I witnessed his foot-stomping, throw-yourself-down-on-the-ground-screaming-for-attention act, I picked him up and hurriedly ran out of the store, leaving a half-full basket of melting ice cream and other assorted items for someone else to deal with. Of course, I knew my parental skills were on trial at that moment and that I was going to be voted as the grocery store's worst parent/customer of the month for his display of uncontrolled fits. As time has passed, however, I have learned that his tantrums are not out of the ordinary for a 3 year old and have seen some of his peers have tantrums that put his to shame. I have also learned that the best thing for me to do is to pretend that I am in a Valium-induced haze and ignore his fits while I make a quick exit from his stage. This, fortunately, seems to do the trick.

The other day, I helped serve lunch at our church following a mid-day Lenten worship service. Connor happens to attend school at the church, so when his day was over, his teacher brought him to me where we were serving. There were also a number of church members and guests who were enjoying lunch. Peacefully, that is, until I told Connor it was time for us to go home. He stomped his feet several times and with all the drama he could muster, threw himself on the floor and proceeded to scream "I don't want to go home." Had there been a bottle of tequila nearby, I would have started downing shots with abandon. However, using all the restraint I could muster, I stood up and headed for the exit. At one point, I glanced over my shoulder to see if Connor was behind me but all I saw were 60 pairs of eyes watching us as we left.

After we got home and he went down for his nap, I polished off the remaining tequila in the liquor cabinet.

We had a wonderful time at the circus. Connor was on his best behavior and he watched the show with spellbound intensity. When it was over, we asked him what he enjoyed the most. "Hmm, I think I liked it all. But my very favorite part was the horses." As we left the big top and made our way to the exit, he noticed that the concession stand was open and had not sold out all of their cotton candy. Blue cotton candy, that is.

"Daddy Larry," he asked, "Can I have some cotton candy."

Uh oh, I thought, I know how this is going to go. "No, you've had plenty to eat tonight and it's much too late to eat anything else."

"But I'm hungry," he whined.

"Well," I said, "there won't be any cotton candy tonight."

And with that he stomped his feet.

And then he wailed, "I want some cotton candy." And the tears streamed down his face.
"Please, please, please..."

We quickly made our way to the car which, fortunately was parked nearby. But his pleas only got louder.

As we made our way out of the parking lot a few minutes later, I realized Connor had gotten quiet.

I looked at my son through the rear view mirror. Connor had fallen fast asleep.

--Larry Donroe-Wells

"Which one is her real mom"

We are all living in a world where children from LGBT families are in the minority. Some of us have it better or worse than others. This past week my daughter had her 3rd birthday celebration at her school. As both her moms walked into the school building, we realized this is the first event we will have been at where we are the only parents in the room (thus, we might be noticed a little more as two moms by the kids). We have always been "out" at our daughter's school, but we know this is a process--especially for the kids.

Sure enough, within 30 seconds of being in the classroom, I hear one of her classmates ask a teacher, "which one is her real mom." The question echoed inside me like I was in some movie. I couldn't hear what the teacher said, but I imagine and hope she said they both are. Whatever she said the conversation ended and the little girl seemed satisfied.

Busted by a child once again. I imagine we will experience MANY years of dealing with the inquisitive minds of babes.

What I did take away from the situation is the lack of work we have been doing around my daughter's family structure. I really just want to believe my daughter is going to a progressive school, so we wouldn't have to do much.

We are active participants at my daughter's school. We talk with the other parents and the kids, so we have been overly optimistic about how it will all shake out. The truth is, I wonder what the other parents have told their kids about our family. I really should find out for the benefit of my daughter, but somehow it is sort of like putting off that dental cleaning.

Can you believe what a bad example I am setting for other parents? Just goes to show it is hard for all of us, even those of us living in fairly progressive areas.

Nice versus Mean Kids

As I have spent numerous hours in various play settings with my almost 3 year old recently, I have wondered whether we can control our kids being "nice." As most of us can either remember growing up, or have experienced with our own kids more recently, kids can be at their meanest during play time.

I am left wondering, can we do anything as parents, or is this predetermined programing?

I ask if it is predetermined because my daughter's extremely social, wannabe everyone's best friend is not from anything we are aware of doing. She seemed this way from about 5 1/2 months on. Just as happy as can be, wanting to play with everyone (I didn't say she always wants to share her toys).

Some days I think we are blessed to have such a social, easy-going child who quickly develops new friends. Other days I cringe as I watch her get devastated time after time by kids who won't play with her for their own reasons ranging from my daughters too young for them, she's not a part of the little play ground clique of the day, or I surmise they simply think she is weird because she is so social.

This is definitely the stuff you don't think about before you become a parent. It's really hard. Figuring our when to intervene, when to let it play out. I know she needs to learn social rules, so I usually let it play out, but the look on her face crushes my heart every time I see it. It's enough to make you want to drop kick a mean child across a play ground.

Thankfully, a lot of parents try to stop antisocial behavior from their kids. Whether it makes any difference in the end is questionable. Maybe kids are just wired to be who they are socially. Maybe how they are at 2,3,4, or 5 will be nothing like who they will become (note: I am thinking of the dreaded high school popularity years).

But, for those of you who are new to the game, be prepared for the parents who could care less if their child is as mean as can be to your child. Interestingly, my anecdotal McDonald's Play Land experience proves that almost exclusively the kids who are allowed to be the meanest have the most affluent looking parents.

What does that say? Don't know. Would love to hear your comments on the subject.

Barack Obama's MLK Speech in Atlanta 1/20/08

I post this not as endorsement of Obama, but more in awe of his uniqueness as a candidate. No matter who you vote for, we must admit most of us have never seen a leader/politician such as Obama. Reading about his concept of unity, I had to wonder about all the moments in gay-activism where we spoke of needing a "gay Martin Luther King" to lead us. Maybe we were wrong. Maybe a straight man can give LGBTQ people just as much justice...

Here are Obama's words from his speech at Ebeneezer Baptist Church in Atlanta today:

The Scripture tells us that when Joshua and the Israelites arrived at the gates of Jericho, they could not enter. The walls of the city were too steep for any one person to climb; too strong to be taken down with brute force. And so they sat for days, unable to pass on through.

But God had a plan for his people. He told them to stand together and march together around the city, and on the seventh day he told them that when they heard the sound of the ram’s horn, they should speak with one voice. And at the chosen hour, when the horn sounded and a chorus of voices cried out together, the mighty walls of Jericho came tumbling down.

There are many lessons to take from this passage, just as there are many lessons to take from this day, just as there are many memories that fill the space of this church. As I was thinking about which ones we need to remember at this hour, my mind went back to the very beginning of the modern Civil Rights Era.

Because before Memphis and the mountaintop; before the bridge in Selma and the march on Washington; before Birmingham and the beatings; the fire hoses and the loss of those four little girls; before there was King the icon and his magnificent dream, there was King the young preacher and a people who found themselves suffering under the yolk of oppression.

And on the eve of the bus boycotts in Montgomery, at a time when many were still doubtful about the possibilities of change, a time when those in the black community mistrusted themselves, and at times mistrusted each other, King inspired with words not of anger, but of an urgency that still speaks to us today:

“Unity is the great need of the hour” is what King said. Unity is how we shall overcome.

What Dr. King understood is that if just one person chose to walk instead of ride the bus, those walls of oppression would not be moved. But maybe if a few more walked, the foundation might start to shake. If a few more women were willing to do what Rosa Parks had done, maybe the cracks would start to show. If teenagers took freedom rides from North to South, maybe a few bricks would come loose. Maybe if white folks marched because they had come to understand that their freedom too was at stake in the impending battle, the wall would begin to sway. And if enough Americans were awakened to the injustice; if they joined together, North and South, rich and poor, Christian and Jew, then perhaps that wall would come tumbling down, and justice would flow like water, and righteousness like a mighty stream.

Unity is the great need of the hour – the great need of this hour. Not because it sounds pleasant or because it makes us feel good, but because it’s the only way we can overcome the essential deficit that exists in this country.

I’m not talking about a budget deficit. I’m not talking about a trade deficit. I’m not talking about a deficit of good ideas or new plans.

I’m talking about a moral deficit. I’m talking about an empathy deficit. I’m talking about an inability to recognize ourselves in one another; to understand that we are our brother’s keeper; we are our sister’s keeper; that, in the words of Dr. King, we are all tied together in a single garment of destiny.

We have an empathy deficit when we’re still sending our children down corridors of shame – schools in the forgotten corners of America where the color of your skin still affects the content of your education.

We have a deficit when CEOs are making more in ten minutes than some workers make in ten months; when families lose their homes so that lenders make a profit; when mothers can’t afford a doctor when their children get sick.

We have a deficit in this country when there is Scooter Libby justice for some and Jena justice for others; when our children see nooses hanging from a schoolyard tree today, in the present, in the twenty-first century.

We have a deficit when homeless veterans sleep on the streets of our cities; when innocents are slaughtered in the deserts of Darfur; when young Americans serve tour after tour of duty in a war that should’ve never been authorized and never been waged.

And we have a deficit when it takes a breach in our levees to reveal a breach in our compassion; when it takes a terrible storm to reveal the hungry that God calls on us to feed; the sick He calls on us to care for; the least of these He commands that we treat as our own.

So we have a deficit to close. We have walls – barriers to justice and equality – that must come down. And to do this, we know that unity is the great need of this hour.

Unfortunately, all too often when we talk about unity in this country, we’ve come to believe that it can be purchased on the cheap. We’ve come to believe that racial reconciliation can come easily – that it’s just a matter of a few ignorant people trapped in the prejudices of the past, and that if the demagogues and those who exploit our racial divisions will simply go away, then all our problems would be solved.

All too often, we seek to ignore the profound institutional barriers that stand in the way of ensuring opportunity for all children, or decent jobs for all people, or health care for those who are sick. We long for unity, but are unwilling to pay the price.

But of course, true unity cannot be so easily won. It starts with a change in attitudes – a broadening of our minds, and a broadening of our hearts.

It’s not easy to stand in somebody else’s shoes. It’s not easy to see past our differences. We’ve all encountered this in our own lives. But what makes it even more difficult is that we have a politics in this country that seeks to drive us apart – that puts up walls between us.

We are told that those who differ from us on a few things are different from us on all things; that our problems are the fault of those who don’t think like us or look like us or come from where we do. The welfare queen is taking our tax money. The immigrant is taking our jobs. The believer condemns the non-believer as immoral, and the non-believer chides the believer as intolerant.

For most of this country’s history, we in the African-American community have been at the receiving end of man’s inhumanity to man. And all of us understand intimately the insidious role that race still sometimes plays – on the job, in the schools, in our health care system, and in our criminal justice system.

And yet, if we are honest with ourselves, we must admit that none of our hands are entirely clean. If we’re honest with ourselves, we’ll acknowledge that our own community has not always been true to King’s vision of a beloved community.

We have scorned our gay brothers and sisters instead of embracing them. The scourge of anti-Semitism has, at times, revealed itself in our community. For too long, some of us have seen immigrants as competitors for jobs instead of companions in the fight for opportunity.

Every day, our politics fuels and exploits this kind of division across all races and regions; across gender and party. It is played out on television. It is sensationalized by the media. And last week, it even crept into the campaign for President, with charges and counter-charges that served to obscure the issues instead of illuminating the critical choices we face as a nation.

So let us say that on this day of all days, each of us carries with us the task of changing our hearts and minds. The division, the stereotypes, the scape-goating, the ease with which we blame our plight on others – all of this distracts us from the common challenges we face – war and poverty; injustice and inequality. We can no longer afford to build ourselves up by tearing someone else down. We can no longer afford to traffic in lies or fear or hate. It is the poison that we must purge from our politics; the wall that we must tear down before the hour grows too late.

Because if Dr. King could love his jailor; if he could call on the faithful who once sat where you do to forgive those who set dogs and fire hoses upon them, then surely we can look past what divides us in our time, and bind up our wounds, and erase the empathy deficit that exists in our hearts.

But if changing our hearts and minds is the first critical step, we cannot stop there. It is not enough to bemoan the plight of poor children in this country and remain unwilling to push our elected officials to provide the resources to fix our schools. It is not enough to decry the disparities of health care and yet allow the insurance companies and the drug companies to block much-needed reforms. It is not enough for us to abhor the costs of a misguided war, and yet allow ourselves to be driven by a politics of fear that sees the threat of attack as way to scare up votes instead of a call to come together around a common effort.

The Scripture tells us that we are judged not just by word, but by deed. And if we are to truly bring about the unity that is so crucial in this time, we must find it within ourselves to act on what we know; to understand that living up to this country’s ideals and its possibilities will require great effort and resources; sacrifice and stamina.

And that is what is at stake in the great political debate we are having today. The changes that are needed are not just a matter of tinkering at the edges, and they will not come if politicians simply tell us what we want to hear. All of us will be called upon to make some sacrifice. None of us will be exempt from responsibility. We will have to fight to fix our schools, but we will also have to challenge ourselves to be better parents. We will have to confront the biases in our criminal justice system, but we will also have to acknowledge the deep-seated violence that still resides in our own communities and marshal the will to break its grip.

That is how we will bring about the change we seek. That is how Dr. King led this country through the wilderness. He did it with words – words that he spoke not just to the children of slaves, but the children of slave owners. Words that inspired not just black but also white; not just the Christian but the Jew; not just the Southerner but also the Northerner.

He led with words, but he also led with deeds. He also led by example. He led by marching and going to jail and suffering threats and being away from his family. He led by taking a stand against a war, knowing full well that it would diminish his popularity. He led by challenging our economic structures, understanding that it would cause discomfort. Dr. King understood that unity cannot be won on the cheap; that we would have to earn it through great effort and determination.

That is the unity – the hard-earned unity – that we need right now. It is that effort, and that determination, that can transform blind optimism into hope – the hope to imagine, and work for, and fight for what seemed impossible before.

The stories that give me such hope don’t happen in the spotlight. They don’t happen on the presidential stage. They happen in the quiet corners of our lives. They happen in the moments we least expect. Let me give you an example of one of those stories.

There is a young, twenty-three year old white woman named Ashley Baia who organizes for our campaign in Florence, South Carolina. She’s been working to organize a mostly African-American community since the beginning of this campaign, and the other day she was at a roundtable discussion where everyone went around telling their story and why they were there.

And Ashley said that when she was nine years old, her mother got cancer. And because she had to miss days of work, she was let go and lost her health care. They had to file for bankruptcy, and that’s when Ashley decided that she had to do something to help her mom.

She knew that food was one of their most expensive costs, and so Ashley convinced her mother that what she really liked and really wanted to eat more than anything else was mustard and relish sandwiches. Because that was the cheapest way to eat.

She did this for a year until her mom got better, and she told everyone at the roundtable that the reason she joined our campaign was so that she could help the millions of other children in the country who want and need to help their parents too.

So Ashley finishes her story and then goes around the room and asks everyone else why they’re supporting the campaign. They all have different stories and reasons. Many bring up a specific issue. And finally they come to this elderly black man who’s been sitting there quietly the entire time. And Ashley asks him why he’s there. And he does not bring up a specific issue. He does not say health care or the economy. He does not say education or the war. He does not say that he was there because of Barack Obama. He simply says to everyone in the room, “I am here because of Ashley.”

By itself, that single moment of recognition between that young white girl and that old black man is not enough. It is not enough to give health care to the sick, or jobs to the jobless, or education to our children.

But it is where we begin. It is why the walls in that room began to crack and shake.

And if they can shake in that room, they can shake in Atlanta.

And if they can shake in Atlanta, they can shake in Georgia.

And if they can shake in Georgia, they can shake all across America. And if enough of our voices join together; we can bring those walls tumbling down. The walls of Jericho can finally come tumbling down. That is our hope – but only if we pray together, and work together, and march together.

Brothers and sisters, we cannot walk alone.

In the struggle for peace and justice, we cannot walk alone.

In the struggle for opportunity and equality, we cannot walk alone

In the struggle to heal this nation and repair this world, we cannot walk alone.

So I ask you to walk with me, and march with me, and join your voice with mine, and together we will sing the song that tears down the walls that divide us, and lift up an America that is truly indivisible, with liberty, and justice, for all. May God bless the memory of the great pastor of this church, and may God bless the United States of America.

Life as the Gay Military Partner

This Christmas, I’m away from my partner, Kristin, a piano player in the Army band. Though we met and formed a friendship nearly two years ago, we discovered a romance between us about a year ago. We refer to each other as “partners,” because sometime after we became “girlfriends,” it was apparent that we share something incredible. Not only is she awesome as a lover, but she is also my very best friend, my buddy for any new adventure we wish to embark upon, and last but not least, my co-parent to my two children that originated in a previous marriage (and failed attempt at “straight”…that’s another story though…I guess I wasn’t always strong enough to be who I really am….anyway…).
The funny thing is we probably had a few opportunities to potentially date each other, but something always stood in the way. The first time I ever met her was through email. She caught my attention with her profile on Planet Out, so I emailed her, only to discover she was the woman my first ex-girlfriend, the only ex-girlfriend I’m not on civil terms with, had gone out with a couple of times (though nothing came out of it). Then one night in Feb 2006, a friend of mine introduced me to her and I, not realizing she was the woman I had emailed before, was struck by her instantly (This doesn’t happen to me, okay?). We really hit it off in conversation. I thought I felt a warm vibe, only to realize she was actually on a date with this friend who introduced us (I promise, it was not obvious though). About 6 months after that, we hung out with the same group of people on a skydiving trip and discovered we had not only the same musical interests, but the same zest for outdoor adventures. We started hanging out often, except this time, I was involved with another woman. That relationship failed, of course, but I still needed some time. By this point, I was adverse to relationships and thought I would probably never partner up with someone. However, the friendship really blossomed, and like I said, I always felt something spark in me whenever she was around. After a while, I just couldn’t deny how I felt and we got ourselves together. Due to my issues in getting too close to others, the relationship wasn’t always easy. Yet, she stuck by me…good days and bad.
So...by the time we got together, she had already re-enlisted on the condition of a yearlong tour in Korea. No, she won’t be making a career out of the Army. It was only a challenge she decided to face while dealing with her mid-20s crisis. Yet after 3 years, when it was time to think about re-enlisting, she faced the possibility of being transferred to a division band and being deployed to the war zone. Yeah, they even send the band to war these days. So, by re-enlisting and agreeing to a year in Korea, she was able to specify that she wanted to return to the same post from which she left (Ft. Gordon, GA, near Augusta). This way, she’ll be only a couple of hours away from me as opposed to a hemisphere away.
She’s been gone since October 9th of this year. What I’ve faced has been tougher than I expected, and yes, being gay didn’t exactly help matters. See…Kristin and I don’t call ourselves “married,” because we are waiting to have our ceremony when we can actually live together. If we were straight, though, it would benefit us to get married. Now, I don’t advocate doing such a thing just for benefits, but in our case, we were ready. Both kids, Chandler (age 8) and Morgan (age 10), adore her. I have let Kristin in way farther than anyone else, and it took a lot of risk on my part as well as a lot of patience on hers. We really did start functioning as a family unit. For the first time in my life (including the time I was married in the past), I knew what it felt to experience true multi-faceted love, to give it to someone, and to have it given back. It’s amazing how much the quality of life changes when you have this. It’s good for us and it’s good for the kids. The physical, mental, and spiritual support is more than I can put words on. So…since we aren’t straight and can’t get married, what happened is that I have gone back to being a single parent. On days I feel weak (and I am human and do have moments of exhaustion and frustration), there’s nobody to help pick up the slack. This makes parenting more difficult, and this makes life, in general, more difficult. Don’t getme wrong, I have some amazing friends. But, I haven’t fully opened myself up to any of them, because I don’t want to be a downer. In fact, I see any given friend on occasion. I don’t seem to have a “regular” group, and it seems there’s no two weekends in a row I’m with the same bunch of people. I know….heterosexual military spouses go through that as well, but there’s more.
How many military spouses, at home with kids, refer to a one-room efficiency (essentially a weekly rate hotel) as their home? This summer, I moved from Augusta to metro Atlanta, to take on a job teaching in an alternative school…it’s a job I love and it’s a move that was good for me and the kids…but with only my income, I just haven’t come up with all the tremendous deposits yet. Although I had an apartment back in Augusta and wouldn’t have needed to deal with moving expenses, we just weren’t thriving in that place. So for now, I’ve had to work two jobs, so I may be able to get ahead and get a permanent address (as well as a few Christmas presents). If we were straight and married, though, housing wouldn’t be a problem. Healthcare is another issue. I always hope we have no emergencies, as the co-payments would do me in. How ironic that I pay so much for health insurance (which would cost the same even with a working spouse on the plan), but truly hope I don’t have to use it, because I cannot afford to use it! We’d have healthcare if we were considered “real” family. Last week, when I was battling the flu and a hacking cough, I could have gone to a military doctor without sweating over co-payments. I haven’t even got to the part about how much Kristin is underpaid. After all, salary is based on family size, among other things. They pay her at the single rate and she would make much more if they could see her as “married with step-children.” Therefore, she and I cannot pool our resources together like we will after she gets out of the military.
I really shouldn’t spend too much time thinking about the worst case scenario…like, if heaven forbid, something terrible happened to me, she wouldn’t be able to come home on emergency leave. Let’s not think about the worst right now. And to think that many heterosexuals wonder why we make such a big deal out of marriage equality.
I guess those who oppose extending marriage benefits to gays believe that we are doing something wrong. They are entitled to such beliefs, but the point is that the law isn’t supposed to be based on personal beliefs. Fortunately in America, even though we can’t have the legal rights (and Kristin is actually out-of-the closet…her commander said he “doesn’t care”), we still get to live the way that feels natural to us. We won’t be hung in public for having a family together, and we freely walk around holding hands and sharing affection considered “normal” to heterosexuals. Most of all, it’s important to realize that our lack of benefits or equal rights won’t break us apart…that true love does prevail nonetheless.

Guest Columnist
Brandi A.

Tripped Up By a 4 Year Old

Today, as my just two year old daughter was happily playing with a 4 year old classmate of hers, the little boy innocently asked "does Maggie have a daddy?" I was stunned by the question. I don't know why I wasn't more prepared to answer. I knew this kind of thing would be coming, but somehow I wanted to believe she was still too you to have to deal with the issue.

This little boy is a smart, persistent little guy, probably a future prosecutor. After looking to his dad who was on the phone and hadn't noticed the question, I finally mustered up "no, Maggie doesn't have a daddy, she has two mommies." The standard, gay textbook answer, right? Nope, not enough for the little guy.

"Why doesn't Maggie have a daddy, he said." He never questioned that she had two mommies, as he only has one. Not knowing what his parents would want me to share with him, my head was all jumbled up. Tripped up by a four year old...

Thoughts of Maggie's adoption, poverty, the complexities of gay baby making, and all sorts of other random stuff ran through my head.

I didn't know what to say next, so I just repeated myself "Maggie has two mommies. She doesn't have a daddy." The bright four year old looked a little perplexed, but let up on the prosecution as my daughter distracted him with a game she was playing.

I am sure the topic is just beginning as my daughter and family are growing closer to her classmates from mostly straight households.

Will I really need to talk to all these parents about how they want me to handle it, or do I just say what I think should be said? Probably the former, as I would want parents to talk to me first about what I would want said about other topics.

Oh, the work and joy of parenting...

Passing ENDA Without Transgender Americans

The Employment Non Discrimination Act (ENDA) is up for vote again at the national level. Once again, the issue has come up to exclude transgender people from the employment protections ENDA would offer.

This battle has been waged for many years with people reasoning that ENDA is more likely to pass if we exclude transgender people from the legislation. In today's climate, most gay-right's organizations and activists around the country have said they oppose passing ENDA without including transgender people. In fact, people feel so strongly about it they have said it is better not to pass any legislation than to leave out our transgender brothers and sisters.

It's complicated and it's simple.

Yes, I sure would like a law passed that would protect gay and lesbian Americans from being fired simply because of their sexual orientation. Many people aren't even aware that it is legal to fire someone for being gay or lesbian (or even perceived as gay or lesbian). There are no protections. Nothing. ENDA would make it illegal for employers to fire someone for being gay or lesbian.

Gay Congressman Barney Frank thinks we should pass this legislation without including transgender people because it is more likely to pass. He says we will come back later to legislatively protect the transgender people in our community.

Though I am no fancy lobbyist or politico, I know enough to know this:

1. we identify ourselves as the LGBT community, and it just doesn't feel right to suddenly abandon a part of our community because it is convenient for the rest of us. We all know that society can generally tolerate the idea of two women being together better than 2 men. Imagine if we started trying to pass legislation that excluded men because we knew it had a better chance of passing (adoption legislation comes to mind). We would never do that, so why are transgender people any different?

2. If we pass ENDA without transgender people now, will we really come back to help pass one later that includes them OR will we move onto issues that affect a bigger majority of the community? Also, what are the chances of an ENDA passing that only addresses transgender people? Slim-to-none.

3. In my personal experience, the people in our community who need employment protections the most are transgender people. Most LGB people have no idea the employment discrimination transgender people face. It is one of the most heart-wrenching realities in our community.

For those in our community who would prefer to see transgender people as not really part of the community, you are wrong. Their discrimination is our discrimination. It is all the same.

Therefore, I must agree with the majority of our courageous leaders from around the country that it is not worth passing ENDA if we are to leave out a very vulnerable and important part of our community. I can only support legislation that includes sexual orientation and gender identity.

I hope you feel the same way.

Kathy Kelly
Executive Director
MEGA Family Project

First Week of School

As so many parents before me know, that first week of school is really stressful (for both parents and kids). This should be titled "Be careful what you ask for," as many of you know how much stress went into our family's choice of getting our daughter into our particular school.

Here's the summary:

It has been really hard to drop off my daughter each morning. She looks at me with this mad look while asking me to come along, and then walks off with another child or a teacher in a pouty walk. It is hard to let your child go into the world without you--especially when she isn't pleased with the decision either. Though I can't complain. I have witnessed my share of kids being dragged screaming into their classrooms. At least I only get the look (so far).

Our daughter didn't have a single potty accident this week, so it looks like we might not get kicked out for not meeting the potty training contract! When I drove up each day, first I looked to make sure my daughter was still alive, then I always looked to see if she was wearing the same clothes I dropped her off in (she was). This was way more stressful than it needed to be. Can I tell you how relieved I was the first day when I noticed a 5 year old little girl had peed her pants on the play ground!!! I know that may seem awful, but it was a RELIEF to see this.

As expected, we were surrounded by straight parents, with at least one other same-sex couple in our daughter's class. This hasn't been nearly as stressful as I had planned for myself so far. The school stresses diversity, so when talking to other parents solo (without the other mom), I couldn't let the conversation go too long without letting them know our daughter has two moms. From the first day, the other parents were already talking about play dates, car pools, etc.